What I’m thinking about what you’re really thinking…

Posted on January 7, 2012 by Rebekah C

A post entitled “What I’m Really Thinking” by an anonymous mother was posted in the The Guardian yesterday and subsequently shared by someone on my Facebook with some negative commentary. And because I loves me some drama as much as the next person, I went over and had a look.

What I read there caused me some rather strong mixed feelings. For starters, let me say that I have been a bottle-feeding mother.  As I’ve explained in previous posts, my son has a condition known as a posterior ankyloglossia.  This is a tongue-tie on the back side of the tongue.  The details aren’t really important at the moment but suffice to say that due to his inability to express an adequate amount of milk, he wasn’t growing.  Pumping didn’t work very well for me and in the end, my son’s life hinged on his being fed from a bottle, eventually entirely full of formula.  My son is my third child and the only one who wasn’t breastfed until well past 3 years of age.  Because I’ve experienced to the fullest both aspects of baby feeding, this article struck several chords with me.

The author opens up her article by talking how aware she is of the judging eyes watching her prepare to feed her child a bottle of formula:

“Those looks speak a thousand words, most of which boil down to, “How could you? We’re doing the best for our baby, why aren’t you?”

My first thought is kind of reactionary: “You don’t know that’s what they are thinking, that’s you’re own guilt talking.”  Well maybe yes and maybe no. More likely both.  The author mentions later in the article that she had wanted to breastfeed but that medical conditions took the choice away from her.  I can tell you from experience that the guilty feelings and sadness about not being able to feed your baby as planned are very powerful, even with the knowledge that the choice to formula feed was made in the best interest of the child.

The truth is that I know exactly what she’s talking about.  I remember the eyes narrowing from across the room. I’ve seen the chins lift a little higher upon realizing that I formula feed and *they* don’t.  I was involved for a short time in a very “crunchy” organization (revolving around home birth) and as an extremely “naturally minded” Momma I felt uncomfortably out of place surrounded by breastfeeding moms with my son sucking down a bottle.  I remember sitting at those meetings and other public places arguing with myself about whether or not those looks were truly judging me or if I was letting my own disappointment and guilt interject those feelings on what I was perceiving from their glances.

I didn’t honestly feel judged by most of them.  But from some, I definitely got the haughty looks, the snide comments and questions phrased to impart judgment on my choices (if you can call not allowing your son to starve to death a choice).  I can’t tell you how many times, even after frank discussion on the choice I made I received the implication that I should have tried harder, done more and that I had done my son a disservice despite everything.  The reaction that irked me the most was the implication that I’m excused from my choice because I had a reason that the listener approved of.  Listen, people, I don’t need your permission to feed my son anything.  I don’t need your approval for my choices, either.

As I read the above article I recognize that sense of resentment and helpless anger I felt in those moments.  It’s NOT just in her head.  Is she, perhaps, projecting?  Probably, we all do it and in all likelihood most of the people she thinks are judging her are not even paying attention to her.  Yet, this reality doesn’t invalidate her frustration because that judgement is sometimes there and she isn’t entirely wrong about those baleful, disrespectful gazes.

“Certainly I feel that I have to defend my decision to bottle-feed, justify my choices so they’ll accept me.” 

Oh yeah.  That’s real, I’ve experienced it even from people who know my stances on breastfeeding in general.  Ugh.  We really need to focus more on education and rein in the judgment.  If we treat all mothers with the assumption that they have the best at heart for their children, I think our message would get a lot farther.

Unfortunately my sympathy kind of wanes when I follow her article further.  She suggests that as she sits there feeding her son his bottle, that the breastfeeding moms start to look envious.

“My guess is they’re thinking,”That looks a lot more efficient than breastfeeding.” You’re right, I want to tell them.”

WHAT? Ok, the violin in my head that started playing sympathetically in the background as I started reading this article just screeched to a painful halt.

My first thought is, “How would you know, you’ve never breastfed!” Also, I think she has the term “efficient” confused with “convenient”.  Efficiency as it applies to baby feeding would, by necessity, have to apply to the transfer or nutrients and which method represents the best carrier.  In this regard, there isn’t a shred of evidence that supports formula being “more efficient”.

She further distances herself from my camaraderie and confirms my suspicions regarding her vocabulary skills  by making this statement:

“I can almost hear the deafening mental processing in those staid church halls: “She won’t have cracked nipples, mastitis, thrush or leaking milk. And her partner probably helps with the night feeds.”

I start off feeling strong feelings of understanding for her plight and end up wanting to throw something at my computer screen.  Especially with her closing statement being:

“It’s really not so bad, I want to tell them, you should try it some time.”

Ugh, WHY?  I mean, why take a powerful message of “Hey, quit judging me and mind you’re own business” and turn it into this plaintive, childish speculation?  This appears, to my eyes, to be a classic case of twisting a perspective around so that feelings of resentment, guilt and frustrating become instead feelings of superiority and smugness.  How does that make you any better than the people you think are judging you?

To make matters worse the sentiments expressed here make formula feeding look better to impressionable young women.  I breastfed for 6.5 years (I actually did nurse my son for several months) and I never once had cracked nipples.  It happens but is almost always related to improper latching and is easily correctable.

It’s true that if you formula feed, you aren’t terribly likely to develop mastitis or thrush (at least, not on your breasts).   That’s true.  It’s also true that if you never breastfeed, you’re more likely to develop breast cancer than the women who do.  It’s also true that your child is more likely to develop gastro-intestinal illnesses, allergies and various infections than if they had been breastfed.  This isn’t to say that if your child bottle-feeds they are doomed to a childhood filled with illnesses.  Of course not.  Yet, facts are facts and the research suggests that children as a whole fare better when breastfed and, surprisingly to some, so do their mothers.

None of these issues address the idea of efficiency, though, leading me to be assured that my initial guess was correct: she must be talking about convenience.  I can’t agree though I’m sure that for some mothers bottle feeding is more convenient.  For me it was a pain in the ass and despite some of the realities that make breastfeeding more of a challenge, I missed it and often daydreamed of those easy nights where all I had to was roll over, stick a boobie in a mouth and go back to sleep.

I knew even while I was grateful for it that formula was inferior food to breastmilk.  I didn’t feel it necessary to decide that bottle feeding was “more efficient” or “better” than breastfeeding just to make myself feel better about a situation that was beyond my control.  It’s not better, not even a little bit.  It’s simply what needed to be done and I’m grateful it worked.

What I took away from this article was this: The few crusaders for their causes that use their stance as fuel for their superiority over other mothers are doing far, far more damage than those who are simply innocent of the truth.  This woman’s disturbing article is a prime example of a mother who has dealt with the viciousness that is mom judgement and has in turn changed her thinking in self defense.  I think her thinking is wrong and there is something to be said for her inability to just own her choices and move on.  On the other hand, she’s a new mother.  Is it really so surprising that she’s chosen to bolster herself by making her situation look better than yours?  It’s human nature.

To the judgers out there, on either side, I implore you: Grow Up.  This isn’t high-school, this is real life.  What you say and how you treat other people ripples out from you indefinitely.  That’s a heavy reality that nobody likes to think about too much (I shudder to think where some of my ripples have gone) but it’s the truth.  Women who are bottle-feeding still need support, love and compassion.  Being a new mother is hard enough without feeling as though you have to defend yourself constantly.

Posted in Activism, Breastfeeding | 6 Comments

Chores and Slavery: Teaching Children to be Part of a Community

Posted on January 2, 2012 by Rebekah C

Lately I’ve been focusing very heavily on drowning myself in my house and kids. My kids are so much fun, despite how exhausting their are. I just wish they weren’t so unbelievably messy. Keeping my house CLEAN is nearly impossible and I spend the vast majority of my time trying to keep up with them (or more realistically, being frustrated that I can’t). I wish I was one of those freaks who can keep everything clean all of the time and make it look effortless. I’m not one of those freaks, lol. Not even close. The reality is that I suck so hard at this it’s not even funny.

But you know, I’ve got a 10yr old, a 7yr old and a 4yr old that are more than capable of doing chores. So guess what? Mean Mommy has been thoroughly dusted off and put to work. The kids are required to clean up after themselves every day. They don’t like it much and I get a lot of attitude. That’s ok. I have even started encouraging the 2yo to put things away.

I think for a long time I was terrified of my kids not liking me. Even after Ariel and her mother moved in I was horrified by the idea that she might not LIKE me. But you know what? Pooh on that. It’s my responsibility to be their parent (or in Ariel’s case, her god-parent), not their friend. In a way it makes me kind of sad. I’m afraid, I think, that my kids will grow up with a negative perception of me. It’s a very real fear of mine. Maybe that’s a normal fear.

In some respects my parents prepared me for taking care of myself better than many of the people I know. One thing that my parents did that I absolutely abhorred growing up was chores (I’ve yet to meet a kid that LIKES chores). Now, in my house chores were um, stringent. From the time I was about Ariel’s age, I had my room, overseeing the kid’s rooms (those of my youngest sibs) the upstairs bathroom (which was technically my sisters’ job but she was much younger than me so really, it was my job) plus the kitchen, the dining room and on days when my brother was unavailable, the living room, the closets and the hallway (which largely amounted to dusting and vacuuming). It doesn’t sound like all that big of a deal until you enter my dad’s idea of an inspection into the picture. The brother I shared most of the chores with had his own things to deal with. If I was doing his chores that weekend it was only because he’d been drafted into doing some other kind of chore. Like yard-work. His mowing and trimming had to be every bit as thorough as my cleaning. More often he was helping my dad on a house project, reloading ammo, organizing his office, fixing the car, whatever. One thing we learned growing up was that working, in one form or another, is part of living. We also learned to work together, to identify and implement the steps needed to complete a job and to take pride in a job well done.

The point here is that on the one hand, as a parent, I think the things we were expected to do and harshly punished for screwing up were a bit over the top. On the other hand, we learned a lot about what doing things right looked like. Though I have to say, I pretty much refuse to pull out my stove or fridge unless absolutely necessary (this was a weekly requirement growing up). I wouldn’t have made it in the military.

The frustration of keeping up with my kids was driving me crazy! Then I realized, by the time I was Morgan’s age I was regularly expected to do dishes, fold laundry (which I sucked at) and handle pretty basic chores (like vacuuming and dusting). I’m positive that I remember doing them more effectively than I actually did them, lol. I argued with myself about it until one day I realized that some of my resentment and frustration was at my kids for not appreciating or respecting what is done for them. But, well, how can they respect or appreciate something they don’t understand? I realized that while I may not always agree with the way my parents chose to implement the lessons they taught me, I agree with the lessons!

After much thought, I’ve realized that my parents demonstrated a lot of faith in us kids. We got reprimanded for doing a lousy job because my parents KNEW we could do better. It wasn’t that they wanted to force us to do something outside of our abilities but that they wanted to see us to do it RIGHT because they knew we could. I’ve come to understand that while it’s important to not expect more from my children than they can reasonably handle, it’s equally important for me to recognize that they are quite capable human beings. In some ways, not expecting them to do things for themselves is essentially demonstrating a lack of faith in their abilities and that’s just not fair.

It is not an easy thing for me to be stern and keep being firm until a job is done right. Those fears come back: what if they hate me? What if they think I just want a slave? On the other hand, how on earth can I expect my children to learn to respect and appreciate the other people in their lives if they are never required to have any responsibility of their own? Do I really want to wake up one day with a couple of teenagers that can’t even be bothered to do their own laundry or clean off their own places after a meal? NO. I want my kids to go out into the world as prepared as they can be to deal with life. I cannot give my children an education; that is something they must apply themselves to on their own. But I can teach them responsibility and it just so happens that in doing so, I also get to transfer my work energy away from picking up toys for the 400th time in an afternoon and focus it instead on directing the growth of little minds.

Another reason I resisted the chore thing for so long was, to be honest, a kind of laziness. It might seem like making the kids do the work is being lazy but in reality, it’s MORE work than doing it myself, most of the time. It’s not like I can say “go clean the living room” and come in half an hour later to a sparkling, domestic paradise. The reality is that each step involved in cleaning up an area must be directed and supervised, making “clean the living room” into a two hour project sometimes. Truthfully, while it’s nice not to be the one cleaning up the junk off the table, in reality it’s not less work for me, it’s just different work.

However, the process of properly cleaning a room isn’t any different than any other job my kids are going to have to do in their lives. It’s not, at the end of the day, the fact that they’re cleaning off their places at the end of a meal that’s the big deal. What really matters is that they are learning skills that are applicable in every facet of their life moving forward. I know adults that are much older than me that cannot walk into a messy room and clean it without having a panic attack or dealing with anxiety about the sheer amount of work that needs to be done. It is painfully difficult for them to break the work down into projects that can be handled a bit at a time. I think many people do not realize how important being able to walk into a disaster and make it right actually is to the rest of their lives.

While I certainly did not appreciate this as a child or a teenager, my parents gave all four of us kids something that is invaluable. I can walk into just about any situation, learn about what is going on, break it down into bite size pieces and tackle a problem until it’s completion. I learned this, believe it or not, from doing chores and being required to do them correctly. Sure, other things in my life have added to that education but the groundwork was laid at home, by parents I believed just wanted four little slaves.

Figuring out how to implement this kind of education in my own home has been more challenging than I thought it would be. For one thing, I’m dealing with four different levels of ability. For example, Ariel is ten years old. If she vacuums the floor and it looks like she didn’t even try, it’s because she didn’t even try. If I ask Abigail to do it and it looks like she didn’t even try it’s because she’s only four years old and doesn’t understand the steps involved in doing it well. This means that after she’s completed her assigned task, I have to do it over again anyway. Which is frustrating but what’s important is that Abby is learning to do things for herself and participate in keeping the home nice for everyone else, too.

Aside from cleaning up after themselves, I think the most important thing they are learning right now is that none of us live in a vacuum. “But I didn’t make the mess” is never, ever an acceptable response to me. I recently heard myself suggesting to certain young lady that I saw no reason whatsoever why I should wash clothes or cook food I wasn’t going to be wearing or eating. I mean, sure, she may not have been the *only* person who dumped bits of dirt, crumbs and candy-wrappers on the carpet but so what? How many people grow up in life and have this ridiculous idea that the only person they are ever responsible for is themselves? No. You live in a home and it’s a community made up of the people that live in it. The bottom line is that in this crazy world, we have to take care of each other and work together from time to time for everyone’s benefit.

It totally starts at home, cleaning toilets, vacuuming floors and cleaning up after little brothers.

Posted in Daily Life, Kids!, Thoughtful Discussions | 4 Comments

Vaccine Camps and How I got to Mine

Posted on December 19, 2011 by Rebekah C

Dr. Mom, over at Confessions of a Doctor Mom, posted an article recently regarding her take on the vaccine debate.  She is both a mother and a pediatrician so I was quite interested in hearing her point of view.

I found her vaccine “camps” to be an interesting springboard for discussion.  I will say (and I’m sure she’d agree) that dividing us all into three camps is probably oversimplifying things a bit.  But if we didn’t do that, we’d have yet another book on the subject on our hands, wouldn’t we?

I started my Mommahood in camp #1.  I’m perfectly willing to admit that I was there because I knew absolutely nothing about vaccines beyond that they were “good” and “what’s best” and that I’d had all of mine growing up (which I believe, to date, possibly as little as half of what they are giving kids now).  That said, I am one of those really annoying parents that ask lots of questions of doctors, especially when it comes to my kids.  So when the nurse came in to vaccinate my hours old infant my first question was “Why?  You want to vaccinate my 16hrs old baby girl for a disease that is transmitted via sex or needle sharing?!  WHY?  I was given a pamphlet much like the ones I’ve seen in peds offices since.  It can be summed up as this: “Vaccines are safe.  They save lives.  They have eradicated diseases and are Safe. Safe, Safey Safe safe.  Don’t worry, we know what we are talking about, vaccinate your children.  Hep B sucks a lot so vaccinate the baby.  The End.”

I know, I know, I’m exaggerating a bit but the sad truth is that uh, not really.  Throw in a few “The CDC’s” and “AAP’s” and it gave the impression of being very official and making me feel like I’d done my job becoming informed before making a decision.    The impression I got from the nursing staff was that asking such a question was just silly and that All Good Mothers Sign The Form.  So I signed it and allowed my oldest daughter to be vaccinated against my gut instinct because I thought it was the right thing to do.

A few weeks later a well meaning friend of mine sent me a few links about vaccines and asked me if I’d ever heard some of the stuff she was reading.  In short: no, I certainly had not.  Some of it was downright alarmist but some of it was reeeaaaallly interesting.  Out of curiosity, I kept researching on my own…for months.  I only allowed my daughter to complete her Hep series and get a pneumococal before I told my ped we were stopping until I’d learned more.  Why did I do that? Because the most stunning piece of information that I had learned at that point was that I knew nothing about vaccines…and neither did my kid’s doctor.  His only defense of them to me, aside from telling me three times in one conversation that “They’re important!” was that if they weren’t safe, they wouldn’t be recommended.  I asked him if he was aware of the overwhelming body of literature confirming the fact that fluoride causes cancer.  He said that he was.  I asked him if he still drank his tap water and saw his dentist regularly for fluoride treatments.  He *blushed* and told me he saw my point.  Upon asking him for information about what was in the vaccines and how they protected my infant daughter he admitted to me that he didn’t really know that any more than he knew the process for producing antibiotics!  He pointed out that he was a pediatrician, not a pharmacist.  He had a basic idea of what vaccines were about but that the only thing he could say for certain was that he was convinced they were relatively safe and that they made the world safer for the people that lived in it.  Beings as he was from Pakistan, I made a mental note of his perspective.  After all, I can’t ignore the fact that industrialized nations tend to fare better against diseases and vaccines are considered to have played a major role in that.

Over the years I’ve done a lot of reading.  I spent weeks painstakingly reading through various resources and got so frustrated with the extreme bias on either side of the fence that I gave up, went the manufacturers websites and started reading the published inserts.  I read through how vaccines were made, exactly what was in them and the testing procedures they went through before being marketed to the public.  I think I spent more time looking up technical and pharmaceutical terminology than anything else.   Actually looking up the various chemical names and whatnot in the ingredients list is very eye-opening.

I went from being in camp #1 to firmly in camp #2/3.  Dh was in camp #3 for a long time.  Part of our reasoning was that after all the research we’d done, we knew there were a lot of unanswered questions.  The fact is that some of the very serious questions most of us have about vaccines don’t have any answers, yet.  And neither one of us felt that our kids, who were not in daycare or school at the time AND were fully breastfed, were exposed to enough diseases to warrant us risking a decision based on a lack of pertinent information.

Vaccines are an amazing idea.  The hope that we have reached a point in understanding how the human body fights disease so well that we can give it a boost and protect ourselves and our children is something most parents are excited to grasp on to.  I know I certainly am!  However, I’ve done and continue to do a lot of reading on the subject and I still have a lot of concerns.

Vaccine reactions, for example, are a reality.  They are such a reality that the government has a fund set aside to compensate families who can prove that their dead or permanently injured children are a direct result of having been vaccinated.  That’s a scary thought.  This isn’t some extreme concern from ignorant parents, this is a government recognized problem.  It’s under-reported and hard to get “proof” but it’s not a secret- it’s a reality.  The really concerning thing, though, is that in so many cases, we don’t know *why* these children are having such devastating reactions!  True, out of all the human beings vaccinated throughout the world, a relative few will have these devastating reactions but for those who do, the implications are life long, if they survive them!  The other disturbing truth is that even “officials” suggest that the reactions are under-reported and poorly recognized.  This means that improvements on the vaccines and understanding that might help eliminate this problem will be a long time coming.

The most significant question that landed us so firmly outside of camp #1, though, was the complete lack of information regarding the long term effects on our immune system.  I have found there to be a concerning correlation between vaccine introduction (and addition of more and more vaccines to the schedule) and the rise in recognized auto immune disorders.  I’m not a doctor or a researcher, so please don’t take what I’m saying as gospel, but I assure you I’m not the first person to wonder about this and there are articles out there asking questions about it.  Vaccines would not be the first big OOPS coming from the medical community and I am not out for blood.  Medical researches are trying to help us and I believe it is our responsibility as parents and consumers to keep asking these questions and to use our common sense when utilizing what modern medicine has to offer us.  I know six different women with MS.  Four of them are my age.  That doesn’t take into account the people I know with other A.I.D’s, just MS.  This is purely anecdotal, and I know that, but when I ask around I find that I’m not alone in this.  I have to wonder if there is a connection!  There is no way for me to know right now, though, is there?  My point is that when even members of the medical community are asking about this, it’s not outrageous or ignorant to question it myself.

Vaccines contain a lot of things that in any other context would be considered poison.  I’m not talking about mercury.  It’s true that many vaccines contain a mercury derivative, but after the outcry against it, MOST do not.  Even so, there were never any studies that directly linked thermerosal to devastating effects.  The concern was that it was so similar to the mercury that we KNEW was horribly dangerous that it was reasonable to question it’s use.  However, my concerns lie in other ingredients.  The use of aluminum, for example, a metal that has been linked more than once to the Alzheimer’s.  

People have often questioned the ethics of being in these camps.  The herd immunity argument comes up a lot and I’ll touch it, if briefly.  ”Herd Immunity” is a bunch of crap.  It’s a marketing gimmick, guys.  This is easily verified when you consider that ALL vaccines are 50-90% effective, approximately, and not even the manufacturing companies will tell you different.  They know perfectly well that sometimes they seem to provide immunity and sometimes they don’t. Nobody knows why or who is going to be “fully protected” and who isn’t and there is NO way to prove it anyway as currently, there are absolutely NO studies being done that prove their effectiveness!  The bottom line is that if you’v been vaccinated for, say, the measles, and you’ve never gotten the measles, the assumption is that the vaccine worked.  If you’ve never been vaccinated against the measles and you don’t get it the assumption is that herd immunity worked for you.  If you’re unlucky enough to have been vaccinated and still get the measles, the assumption is that some jerk didn’t get vaccinated and you ended up with it despite the miracle vaccine.  Nobody is monitored for vaccine effectiveness and no long term studies exist to look at the effectiveness of these vaccines.

The problem is that if the vaccine was 100% effective than those who were vaccinated wouldn’t get sick even if exposed to a non-vaccinated, infected person.  Herd immunity would ONLY be a valid argument IF vaccines were 100% effective.  I’m not criticizing people getting them, understand, what I’m saying is that arguing with mothers like me for being ignorant and knowingly putting other people’s children at risk is simply demonstrating a lack of knowledge about what vaccines actually are and how they currently work.  Well, that and I do vaccinate, just much later than most people.  Morgan didn’t start until she was in school and Abby as well (well, we’re getting her ready for school).  Ethan will not start until he’s approaching school-age, either.

What are your thoughts? I’m interested!

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Time Keeps on Slipping…

Posted on August 29, 2011 by Rebekah C

Good gracious but it’s been a long time since I’ve updated! It’s almost completely inexcusable. I think I might just be going through blogging withdrawals.  I miss it.  I miss the little community of bloggers I follow, too.  Seriously, if it wasn’t for Twitter, I’d have no idea what was going on right now, lol.

So my friends, what’s new, what’s happening?   How’s life?

I’m beginning to understand, more now than ever before, that life is really freaking complicated sometimes.  Occasionally it’s necessary to just sit back and let everything go and just know, deep down, that in the end, life is actually pretty damn simple.  We’re born, we eat, we struggle, we live, we die.  There’s a comfort of sorts in that simplicity.  If only it was recognizable in day to day life, eh?

My kids are all at these stages of different growth where their age differences are suddenly standing out in sharp relief to each other.  As frustrating as it can be in random moments, it’s really fun to watch.  I know I’ve said it a million times but I never get tired of doing so: I just love watching them.  I do.  I love how intensely different their personalities are, how obviously they are their own, unique people.

Take my oldest, for example.  Morgan just turned seven (where does that time go?) and she’s reading!  I mean, she’s reading very well!  I’m so impressed with her determination to conquer and master new skills- even when it’s accompanied by a whole lot of complaining.  She’s quite bright (sometimes entirely too much so, I might add) and she can be very snarky but she’s also got a budding sense of responsibility already and she loves and cares for her siblings in ways that make me smile.  Also, while I may be somewhat biased, she’s gorgeous.  I mean yeah, she’s got that awkward thing going on right now: She’s got a mouth full of half adult teeth and half little kid teeth, complete with an adorable gap in between her two front teeth!  She has a smattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose that are just picture perfect.  She still has stick-out ears that I, personally, think are charming but she’s rather sensitive about them as people comment on them a lot.  Her eyes are still enchanting, though their color has totally changed.  She still has half a brown left eye but instead of being a grey-ish blue color, they are now quite green hazel.  With a pert nose, pretty mouth, my little girl is a looker.  :)  She loves to “teach” or help other people learn to do new things and she’s quite curious about just about everything.  I love her intelligent questions and she’s continuously surprising me with the connections she makes.

Abigail’s personality seems to  grow in depth by the day.  She’s still as energetic and passionate as ever but the softer parts of her personality come to light more often these days.  I’m still completely flabbergasted by how quickly she can go from angelic and happy to shrieking with rage and back to perfectly complacent again.  Abigail reminds me of the ocean: her moods are complicated, unpredictable and breathtaking.

Her nurturing personality is really coming out in spades lately.  While she can be as temperamental and nasty as any other 4 year old, she has a sweetness about her that is completely entrancing.  She very seriously takes care of her “babies” (a whole host of baby dolls, stuffed animals and, hilariously, her little brother and the animals in the house).  She takes these duties very seriously and her imagination is constantly going at top speed.  It’s almost like she lives very strongly in her own little world.  I have a suspicion that she is going to be an avid reader.  She is always talking to her babies, and then pretending in a different little voice that they are talking back to her.  She steals Ethan’s diapers and clothes, bottles and blankets, so that she may better care for her “littles”.  She “cooks” for them and puts them down for naps, kisses their booboos and makes sure they are cuddled and kissed and disciplined, all day every day.  She absolutely adores her big sister and gets very personally offended whenever Morgan really just needs a little space.  She’s very firm with me when she thinks Ethan needs or wants something (Mommy!  Ethan’s CRYING!!!  as if I can’t HEAR him).  She has discovered her own little friends around here and never misses an opportunity to tell them how much she loves them.  Well, that is when she’s not shrieking at them for some reason (holy hell 4 year olds are loud.  I thought it was just my kid but NOPE.  It seems every child between the ages of 3 and 7 on this block does everything at about “screaming” volume).  I’m very much looking forward to when she starts school.  Not so much because of the “peace and quiet” factor (though there is a little bit of that, too) but because as her awareness expands, it will be interesting to watch her discover more about herself and see how it affects the way she thinks, the choices she makes and how she interacts with her peers.

Of course, there is also my Little Man, my Ethan.  He’s at that stage where he’s got something new going on every day.  Recently, he decided that climbing up and down the stairs via the use of his knees and coming down backwards is for sissies.  Upright and one at time, facing the correct direction, is the only way he’ll do the stairs, now.   Right this second he is coming down stairs hollering about some slight one of his sisters did to him.  I am just absolutely loving his new-found verbiage.  Ethan has come into talking much more slowly than either one of his sisters, beings as he just turned two and still does not speak in sentences recognizably.  I don’t feel that he’s delayed at all, though: Morgan was speaking in full blown, complex sentences at 2years old and that was a bit ahead of the curve.  Abigail was a bit more average in her ability, speaking in full sentences at 2yrs old: except her enunciation was so poor that actually understanding what she was saying was challenging for us and nearly impossible for anyone that didn’t listen to her babble all day.  Ethan’s enunciation isn’t all that great but it’s generally understandable and while he doesn’t speak in sentences, exactly, he is very good at making himself understood.  I feel that sentences are right around the corner as he often babbles nonsense words in an attempt to make a “sentence”, particularly when he’s complaining about something or asking for something.  I just  love his hair, too, all wild and curly and soft; it’s like a halo of innocence that crowns his head.

My son is a nudist, though.  He is definitely interested in  clothes and really gets into getting “dressed” and “undressed”.  By this I mean that he likes to wear shirts like skirts and take them on and off throughout the day.  He’s almost 100% out of diapers: during the day he only wears them if I have to go out somewhere or I want to send him outside.  As long as he’s not wearing a diaper, he uses the potty on his own, without being reminded or making mistakes.  He is SO good at it and it’s entirely coming from his own motivation.  Have I mentioned how much I love the driving principles behind EC?  Even though I did not fully EC him, I used the principles as I know them as I really don’t know any other way to “potty train” a child.  It works!  All I did was leave a potty out and let him run around naked.  Whenever I saw him start to pee, I’d point at his little penis and tell him “Ah AH! Don’t pee on the floor…pee in the potty!” and I’d redirect my pointing towards his little potty.  After a couple of day of that, he started using the potty by himself and then bringing it to me to show me he’d caught a pee.  He still does this and it’s SO cute.  He can also climb on and off the big potty on his own and doesn’t even like an insert.  I just love watching children figure things out on their own.  It’s really amazing how complex their little minds are and how uniquely they will approach a given situation and solve whatever puzzles are inherent in it.  but this brings us back to my son’s general nudist preferences.  He has a terrible time getting pants and undies or pull-ups OFF while still managing to pee in a potty.  As such, he prefers to run about without any on and really, if I have a choice between cleaning up dirty baby bum or having a naked little gelfling running about, I am GOING to become very comfortable with my son’s little bits waving about in the breeze, mmmkay?  Right now my little man is running about with only socks on.  He absolutely loves socks and shoes and he’s usually wearing something of that nature on his feet and rarely do the shoes he pics belong to him.  He especially loves Abigail’s new sparkly, silvery, light-up shoes.  Nothing like a naked little streaker running about in BLING shoes.

I started this entry a month ago.  A MONTH.  Suffice to say it’s been a very busy summer!  Changes have come, gone and come again and while the evolution of our family, our lives and my inner spirit has been immense, positive and challenging, it hasn’t meshed well with my internet life, lol.

Posted in Daily Life, Kids!, My Tribe | 2 Comments

Straight to the Hellevator!

Posted on May 30, 2011 by Rebekah C

So, remember that one time, when I confided to you all that I was so totally going to hell? I have another funny for you. One cannot take oneself too seriously, after all, and this on is just too funny not to share.

My husband has been the most gallant of men when it comes to trying to adjust to our recent changes with grace. Despite misgivings here and there, he’s been supportive in every possible way and I really wanted him to know I was grateful. Do you see where this is going? Saturday morning came around and it was decided that we were going to have “family night”. I was really excited and in a seriously amazing mood. The little one was napping, the girls were occupied upstairs, behind a closed door and I had this silly idea that surprise “attentions” to my husband in the living room could be safely engaged upon. Thankfully, we thought to be somewhat discrete.

I’m going to go ahead and flatter myself by telling you all that though he was supposed to be keeping watch (as I was on my knees…hehe) I proved to be entirely too distracting and Abby, who is usually like a heard of elephants wherever she goes, apparently is capable of being a ninja when her little “I’m not supposed to be here” alarms go off. I was…busy so I didn’t see her coming down the stairs. Thankfully, as I said, we were being “discrete” and he saw her before we were really in trouble and so, I simply gave him a hug in the arm chair and she was none the wiser…I hope. I mean, he was seated, we were both fully clothed, etc etc. But we looked guilty. And she said, “Hey! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!!?!” I’m afraid my wits left me in that moment. I just smiled and dh said, “Noooothin….” It couldn’t be helped, we both burst out laughing. So there I am, having moved to sitting in his lap to give him an opportunity to, er, recover, when she says, “Well…stop it. Whatever you’re doing, just stop.”

Nonplussed we inquired as to why we should do so. She says, “Because it looks TERRIBLE!”

She’s now on her rocking horse, apparently delighting in the obvious discomfiture of her parents and giving up all pretenses of returning upstairs. She then tells me I have to *get off Daddy* because I’m TOO BIG and will hurt him. By this time Tony is positively shaking with laughter and I’m trying my best to appear offended but I’m afraid I couldn’t stop laughing either.

So, one moment totally ruined but another one created that I shall remember to my dying day. Every now and then I turn to Tony and say, “it looks TERRIBLE!!” to him and it’s all laughter again. Abigail has absolutely no idea what was going on, saw nothing other than me apparently “hugging” his lap but her stern attitude and scolding commands were so hilarious that I just had to share.

Posted in Daily Life | 5 Comments

Change of Status: SAHM is now a WAHM

Posted on May 27, 2011 by Rebekah C

You know, it isn’t often that a blogger is blessed with such wonderful readers as I have been and what did I do? I went and abandoned you. I swear I didn’t mean it.

So where the hell have I been, then? Well, see…I got a job. I know, I know, am I crazy!? Short answer? YES. I have been blessed with the opportunity to work from home. Thanks to a friend of mine meeting someone, I now have almost full-time work. To say it’s been an adjustment would be an understatement. In fact, we’re still adjusting. But we’re doing well! That is primarily where I’ve been, though. Trying to figure out how to be a WAHM without completely loosing my mind, my priorities and my sanity, did I mention that already? I love writing with all of my whole heart and that is what I’ve got a job doing. Hard to beat that, eh?

Can I just say, that I love our home? Now that spring is well underway (and btw, would someone please tell MD that it is still technically spring, NOT summer, and that 80deg by 9am just isn’t cool?) and the neighborhood children have been coming out to play, I have nothing but good things to say about my neighbors. In fact, I think this might be the most friendly neighborhood I’ve ever lived in. We are having some troubles with the house (nothing that makes me upset we bought it, though) but overall, we’re quite happy.

The kids are doing very well. Abigail and Morgan both have friends they play with nearly every day. In fact, recently, one of Abby’s little friends (she lives next door) came to have dinner with Abby. As we were eating, Abby looked at her in amazement and said, “I can’t believe you’re here!”. The entire exchange between the two of them was too precious for words. It began to storm shortly after that and I realized that those two are cut form the same mold. They were both standing in the kitchen windows, SCREAMING at the tops of their lungs with delight at the thunder and lightening. Abby has never had a friend of her own before and it’s filled my heart to bursting watching her develop her own relationships.

Morgan also has new friends and all of the kids in the neighborhood play together. It’s awesome. Our neighbors are just really friendly, decent people and it’s nice to live in a row of houses where everyone around me has kids in similar age groups. I feel like we fit in, here, and that our children are happy and that we can be happy here for a long time.

Ethan is growing like a weed and has recently (finally?) begun talking as opposed to incessantly babbling. Of my children, he started babbling the earliest (I mean, he’s been a “talker” since birth) but he is by FAR the latest talker. Morgan was speaking in full-blown sentences by his age. Abigail had 2-3 word sentences down by this age and Ethan is still working on words and the occasional phrase, lol. But he went from having maybe 4 words to quite a few over night. I love his little voice and I love the fact that even when he isn’t saying words I understand, he’s obviously quite convinced he is and just chatters away!

Tony is finished with his semester and won’t be starting up again until after the summer and that is such a relief, lemme tell you. If I’m feeling it, I know he is.

I wish I had the time to write more about every detail but the reality that it’s not really anything different than before, other than the job. My children play and get into trouble (Yes, my walls are truly very well decorated now, complete with lipstick kiss-marks and all), my husband and I play games, fight, play games. We spend a LOT of time outside and I spend many of my waking hours working, as does dh. The younger two children spend their days with their God Mother and I can’t express enough how much I appreciate it.

I haven’t left. I still read, I still intend on posting. I’m just very busy. What’s new with you?

Posted in Daily Life | 2 Comments

Sickness, Brothers and Lessons

Posted on April 30, 2011 by Rebekah C

The last two weeks have been really, er, special. We spent the entirety of spring break sick. Well, all except for dh who miraculously and thankfully seems to have escaped. The kids all had Strep and Momma? Well I had “some kind of bacterial infection and a nasty virus”. Nice. “Nasty virus” kept me with a fever from LAST Monday morning until yesterday afternoon. My body hurt so much that the doctor actually prescribed me some Percosets so that could sleep (yes!). I have never hurt that much from an illness before. The kids ran fevers for several days but by day three into their abx the fever broke. Now they are all, thankfully, fine though it appears that poor Ethan has inherited his parents tendency towards seasonal allergies. He was doomed, though, dh and I both get them. Mine are particularly nasty this year and if thought shoving a coat hanger up behind my eyeballs and giving a good scratch would solve the problem I would totally do it.

Abigail turned four on the 19th! My perfect little Teeny Tiny is FOUR, people. I was so horribly sick the day before (I seriously ran a temp that got to 105.8. It was pretty bad) that I could not even get off the couch. But Ruby saved the day by picking up her cake and managed to get through her birthday party. We kept it very low key and simple and she had a great time. My brother Josh stopped in with a friend and that was pretty special considering she wasn’t even 2 the last time she saw him.

That was on a Tuesday and at the end of that week, on Sunday, my other brother came to visit! Morgan was delighted to see both of them but she was especially excited play with “goofy” Uncle Dan. From the boys I learned that my sister, whom haven’t seen or talked to in 2 years, just moved to Scotland. Holy shit, really?! Apparently she’s going to be studying over there. That is so cool! Go Nina! Daniel stayed until Monday afternoon. It was wonderful to see my brothers; I do love them so.

I’ve learned, over the last two weeks, that you can’t get too comfortable thinking to yourself, “I’ve got this” because….you don’t. You don’t and as soon as you think you do, something is guaranteed to come out of the woodwork and knock you on your ass. I don’t even have the energy to go into detail about some of the FUBAR that has occurred to my home except to say that half a bottle of laundry detergent is much harder to clean off of hardwood floors than you’d think.

I’ve learned that the perspective I have of myself is nearly never anyone else’s. Sometimes, this is a good thing. Sometimes, the other persons perspective comes out of nowhere and slaps me upside my head so hard it leaves my ears ringing. I don’t particularly care for the experience.

I’ve learned never to say, “I never really get sick”. Apparently, saying this out loud is like inviting the denizens of the bacterial and viral world to prove their strength.

Most of all, I’ve learned that I have the best husband on planet earth. I know you think YOU do, but you’re wrong. :) I got him and he’s all mine. So neener.

Please excuse all typos, I’m still half asleep and my allergies are so bad I can barely see the screen right now. Love me anyway?

Posted in Daily Life | Leave a comment

Morgan’s Doing a Meme With Me!

Posted on April 21, 2011 by Rebekah C

I decided that rather than trying to get some peace and quiet to blog, instead, why not include my little noisemaker in the process? Today’s blog is brought to you by the enthusiasm of my 6yo daughter, Morgan. This is a random kid meme I found online that I’ve tweaked to better represent our home life. I hope you enjoy her answers as much I did!

What is your favorite color?
“Um….pink or purple.”
What is your favorite food?
“I think Jerky aaaand Bacon!” <-- This greatly amuses me as she typically will refuse to eat anything else that has meat in it.
Favorite animal?
‘Horsey, horsey HORSEY!”
What is your favorite TV show?
“Um…the Might B”
What kind of music do you like?
“I like…Irish Jig”
What are you really good at?
“Dancing”
What are you not so good at?
“Uh…I don’t know. Nothing!”
Who are your best friends?
“Aniya, Jayden, Macanzie, Nick, Alison, Max, you (Yay, Momma made the list!) and my family.”
What is your favorite thing to do at school?
“Recess and fun activities”
What is the best thing about having a little sister and a little brotherr?
“They’re fun to play with”
How are you different from the two of them?
“I like Barbies but Abby’s not a big fan cuz she likes her baby dolls. Ethan seems to like screaming a lot and I don’t really like screaming.” <--She is referring to his new favorite game which seems to entail him out-screeching whoever he’s playing with. He thinks it’s great fun, claps his hands and laughs all the while the rest of us are plugging our ears and wiping tears from our eyes.
What does brother/sister do that makes you mad?
“When they hit me”
What do you want to do when you grow up?
“I want to be a Jockey”
If you had a lot of money, what do you think you would buy?
“I’d buy a hot tub- no a castle!” <--That's my girl!
What is the best thing about your mom?
“She’s nice!” <--I'm so reminding her of this when I tell her it's bed-time and she throws a fit!
What is the best thing about your dad?
“He’s nice!”
What do you like to do with dad?
“Play with him or just be with him”
What do you like to do with mom?
“Cuddle cuddle cuddle”
Tell me something that is really funny.
“Eve, sometimes she’ll climb a tree and hang from a bar by her feet. And then she licks the tree”
What is your favorite thing to wear?
“A fancy dress.”
What makes you cry?
“Someone being mean to me”
What does love mean?
“Love means that you really like someone”
What does it mean to be a good friend?
“It means you’re really nice to someone”

Posted in Daily Life, Kids! | 1 Comment

Ranty rant rant!

Posted on April 16, 2011 by Rebekah C

I am so SO tired of hearing about how someone’s naughty cats or dogs or pet goldfish are like having kids. I joke about this with my childless, pet owning friends from time to time, but it’s all in good fun and not at all what I’m talking about. I’m talking about those people out there that actually think that having an intelligent and mischievous puppy or a couple of rowdy cats totally qualifies them as a parent. I especially despise when said people comment to a #Momrant with advice for toddler-rearing that they found helpful with their dogs. It makes me want to claw off their faces.

This rant is entitled “Ode to Clueless Douchebag Pet Owners That Think They’re Parents”:

You are all idiots. You have NO idea what being a parent is like. As I have both owned animals (and loved them fiercely and with all my heart) and I have children, I am qualified to comment. Here are a couple of things to consider before your next senseless remark to one of your parent-peers:

The next time you decide, on a whim, that you want to go out to dinner with your mate, try to imagine what that would be like if your ferrets were a couple of children. First, you’d have to decide whether or not you want to take them with you. If you do, you have to pack a bunch of crap to drag along with you and be prepared to pay 3-5x (or more) than you do now for your meal. During your meal you WILL have to excuse yourself from the table at least twice because your child will insist they have to use the bathroom again. If it’s late enough, you can expect to forgo desert because the “overtired meltdowns” will have begun and you’ll have to pay and get out as quickly as you can so as to avoid the angry stares from other diners.

If you do NOT want to take them with you, imagine calling every single one of your friends to find someone who is willing to drop everything and come over and baby-sit so you can go out. HA. In case you don’t know (and you very likely do not because you don’t have children, you have animals), the chances of that last minute dinner-date actually coming to fruition are very close to zero. More than likely what will happen is you’ll end up with a date for the following week and you’ll have to cross your fingers that your sitter doesn’t get sick, have a family emergency or just plain forget that they promised to babysit. If you are not blessed with a bunch of Aunties (like we are), that sitter will also cost you money which, when it comes down to it, you may not be able to afford to pay and still have enough to justify going out to dinner. And no, you cannot stuff children into a kennel for a few hours and go have a nice evening.

Vacation? You can’t just dump a extra food into a bowl on the floor and ask a neighbor to check in twice a day for walks.

As for “what we did for our puppy was” advice…just don’t go there. I know that your puppy is your precious little snowflake but there is no way MY Precious little snowflake is dog-like in any way. I’ll thank you to not compare your DOG with my CHILD.

Oh and one more thing. When your kid poops on the floor or vomits everywhere, you can’t rub their nose in it and toss em out the back door. Believe me, we all wish we could but it’s just unethical.

So, stop it. Your pets are NOT your babies and no, having pets is NOT anything at all like having children. I refer to my dog as my four legged and furry child but it’s a tongue n cheek admission to my extreme affection for her not some empty-headed tripe meant to lend credence to unsolicited advice.

/soapbox rant

Posted in Opinionated Ranting, Rants! | 3 Comments

Crazay!!!

Posted on April 11, 2011 by Rebekah C

It’s true: I’ve officially lost my mind. I don’t think anyone is really gonna challenge me on that revelation :P

When we had to move in with my MIL, a friend fostered our dog for what turned out to be 18mo. That’s pretty freakin’ awesome, if you ask me. So when I heard that another friend was having similar trouble with her dog, I offered to foster him for her. Paying it forward kind of thing.

Well after careful consideration and some detail wrangling on both our parts, Mr. Jack came to stay with us yesterday. He’s a Jack Russel Terrier and he’s very, very sweet. He’s not quite 2yo and is only about half housebroken >_<. The kids adore him, Freyjah likes him and the cats are still not speaking to me. Dh is only speaking to me because we share a bed :P .

So now the head count reads: 1 husband, 2 girls, 1 boy, 2 cats, 2 dogs, a rabbit and a partridge in a pear tree.

I have to say that Jack is the first dog I’ve ever cared for that is constantly trying to drink my coffee. The boy has a death wish!

Posted in Adventures, Daily Life | 1 Comment