Last night, around 11:15, Ethan woke up and was having trouble sleeping on his own. I thought his belly was bothering him. Every time I picked him up he just conked right back out but if I laid him back down, he’d get restless and start tossing and turning and then fussing. Eventually I just settled back on my bed with a snuggly little boy. It hit me, then: I don’t KNOW this child like I know my girls. It’s not just because he’s a 3rd, because he’s a boy. No, it’s largely because I don’t nurse him.
I hate it, you know. The last couple of days he’s been so fussy and so clingy and my natural instinct is to lift my shirt and offer him comfort. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve caught myself reaching for the hem of my shirt, after settling him in my lap. *sigh*
It was really nice to just hold him and LOOK at him last night. I used to do that every night with my girls. Just sit there and breathe in my kid, ya know? Sometimes, with the girls, it annoyed me. There were other things I could be doing! Morgan, in particular, wouldn’t sleep any other way (believe me, we tried). With two kids, it was often nice to snuggle down with Abby at the end of the day and just BE with her, without any distractions. It still frustrated me, at times, though. Particularly when I wanted to be, say, playing a game of cards with my girlfriends (I do love cards). I didn’t realize until last night how rare that quiet time is for Ethan.
As I said, I thought his belly was bothering him so I had him upright, with his head snuggled on my shoulder, against my cheek. After a while, though, he shifted and snuggled down on his back, in my arms. He was so relaxed. He started to snore. I realized, then, that he just wanted his Momma! I mean, it was an unconscious need, on his part, he just fussed. He was too sleepy to sit up and stick his arms out, he just knew he needed something and was looking for it in his sleep. I felt like he’d given me an unexpected gift.
I have, for years now, been very uncomfortable and even angered by the notion that some breast-feeders seem to have; that breastfeeding mothers love their children more (*snort* please!) or that they have a deeper bond with their children than those who bottle/formula feed. That is total bullshit, if you’ll excuse my American. Now that I am a bottle/formula feeding mother, the sentiment is infuriating. True, it’s really not a common one, all told. I find it’s more common among new mothers and among the privileged few who don’t seem to be aware that hard life does exist for the majority of people.
In any case, I have come across this idea. I’ve seen new mothers who bottle-feed being ripped to shreds for not loving their children as much as they should; seen them “cringe” and leave, hurt, upon being told their bond just isn’t as deep as the other mothers in parenting community. It’s really disgusting.
That said, I do think the bonds are different. I don’t have the same relationship with my son as I did with my girls. Part of that, for sure, is that he’s a different child! I didn’t have the same relationship with Abby as I did with Morgan and I remember being distressed about it. Of course my relationship with each child is going to be unique! But it must be said that not breastfeeding my son has definitely made developing that deep bond more challenging for me, as my previous experience with it has been via nursing.
As I was sitting there with my snoring son taking up my entire lap (how the heck did he get so big?!) it came to me that much of what I’ve been missing- even mourning- out of nursing are things that have slipped away by degrees that didn’t have to. So I’m making a promise to myself and to my son. There will be quiet snuggle time. It’s hard to fit it in, for sure, but he’s worth it. I realized last night that he’s growing way too fast. He’s larger than either one of his sisters at 15mo and he’s only 9mo old. I don’t know if he’s going to be my last baby but it’s not too hard to imagine that being the case. He’s so precious and this time is going by too quickly!
I think there are things that non-nursing mothers miss out on. It has nothing to do with whether or not they love their children or whether or not they have a special bond with their kids. Of course they do! I just think that breastfeeding facilitates that bond, right from the start. At least, it has been true for me. I wonder how much harder it would have been for me if Ethan had never nursed at all? I’m sorry I let him develop a preference for holding his bottle in his seat instead of arm feeding. Yes, it was/is terribly practical. He doesn’t seem to care, lol. But, I don’t know, I miss “eyeball talk”. I miss those moments where nothing exists outside of myself and my nursling. I can’t even describe those timeless moments with those little fingers exploring, exploring while my baby just gazes at me.
Anyway, it seems that some of the most profound benefits of breastfeeding (outside of nutrition) are possible even when bottle-feeding. Skin to skin time, arm feeding, sleep-sharing; all of these things are still possible and most certainly beneficial. I think we have to get more creative at times to make these things a reality but it can still be done. I still say that breastfeeding is the normal way to feed a baby. I still want to advocate for its normalcy everywhere I go. It’s still THE #1 option for feeding our babies. I just hope that those who need to bottle-feed, for whatever reason, are aware that doing so doesn’t mean all of the non-nutritive benefits of breastfeeding go out the window. They don’t have to.
Happy SITS Saturday ShareFest! What an adorable picture… and a great post. I think more people need to have your attitude about it… There isn’t only one way to do things…
Absolutely right. My adopted brother was *never* just given a bottle and left to feed himself, even when he was old enough. He was always fed by one of us, face to face, whether it was cradled, laid on raised knees, or side-by-side on a couch or bed. He slept in laps and on shoulders as much as in his own bed. The feeling was that it was especially important for him to get that bonding time since he was not with his birth mother. So there wasn’t a boob… so what? He’s now sixteen and turned out just fine… and cuddling him is a memory nearly as precious to me as that of cuddling my own new babies.
Some of my favorite moments with my son were nursing sessions when he was just a tiny little babe. Now he’s 15 months old & a busy little boy – I’d give anything to have those quiet moments back. Your son is adorable – enjoy this precious time with him!