Lately I’ve been focusing very heavily on drowning myself in my house and kids. My kids are so much fun, despite how exhausting their are. I just wish they weren’t so unbelievably messy. Keeping my house CLEAN is nearly impossible and I spend the vast majority of my time trying to keep up with them (or more realistically, being frustrated that I can’t). I wish I was one of those freaks who can keep everything clean all of the time and make it look effortless. I’m not one of those freaks, lol. Not even close. The reality is that I suck so hard at this it’s not even funny.
But you know, I’ve got a 10yr old, a 7yr old and a 4yr old that are more than capable of doing chores. So guess what? Mean Mommy has been thoroughly dusted off and put to work. The kids are required to clean up after themselves every day. They don’t like it much and I get a lot of attitude. That’s ok. I have even started encouraging the 2yo to put things away.
I think for a long time I was terrified of my kids not liking me. Even after Ariel and her mother moved in I was horrified by the idea that she might not LIKE me. But you know what? Pooh on that. It’s my responsibility to be their parent (or in Ariel’s case, her god-parent), not their friend. In a way it makes me kind of sad. I’m afraid, I think, that my kids will grow up with a negative perception of me. It’s a very real fear of mine. Maybe that’s a normal fear.
In some respects my parents prepared me for taking care of myself better than many of the people I know. One thing that my parents did that I absolutely abhorred growing up was chores (I’ve yet to meet a kid that LIKES chores). Now, in my house chores were um, stringent. From the time I was about Ariel’s age, I had my room, overseeing the kid’s rooms (those of my youngest sibs) the upstairs bathroom (which was technically my sisters’ job but she was much younger than me so really, it was my job) plus the kitchen, the dining room and on days when my brother was unavailable, the living room, the closets and the hallway (which largely amounted to dusting and vacuuming). It doesn’t sound like all that big of a deal until you enter my dad’s idea of an inspection into the picture. The brother I shared most of the chores with had his own things to deal with. If I was doing his chores that weekend it was only because he’d been drafted into doing some other kind of chore. Like yard-work. His mowing and trimming had to be every bit as thorough as my cleaning. More often he was helping my dad on a house project, reloading ammo, organizing his office, fixing the car, whatever. One thing we learned growing up was that working, in one form or another, is part of living. We also learned to work together, to identify and implement the steps needed to complete a job and to take pride in a job well done.
The point here is that on the one hand, as a parent, I think the things we were expected to do and harshly punished for screwing up were a bit over the top. On the other hand, we learned a lot about what doing things right looked like. Though I have to say, I pretty much refuse to pull out my stove or fridge unless absolutely necessary (this was a weekly requirement growing up). I wouldn’t have made it in the military.
The frustration of keeping up with my kids was driving me crazy! Then I realized, by the time I was Morgan’s age I was regularly expected to do dishes, fold laundry (which I sucked at) and handle pretty basic chores (like vacuuming and dusting). I’m positive that I remember doing them more effectively than I actually did them, lol. I argued with myself about it until one day I realized that some of my resentment and frustration was at my kids for not appreciating or respecting what is done for them. But, well, how can they respect or appreciate something they don’t understand? I realized that while I may not always agree with the way my parents chose to implement the lessons they taught me, I agree with the lessons!
After much thought, I’ve realized that my parents demonstrated a lot of faith in us kids. We got reprimanded for doing a lousy job because my parents KNEW we could do better. It wasn’t that they wanted to force us to do something outside of our abilities but that they wanted to see us to do it RIGHT because they knew we could. I’ve come to understand that while it’s important to not expect more from my children than they can reasonably handle, it’s equally important for me to recognize that they are quite capable human beings. In some ways, not expecting them to do things for themselves is essentially demonstrating a lack of faith in their abilities and that’s just not fair.
It is not an easy thing for me to be stern and keep being firm until a job is done right. Those fears come back: what if they hate me? What if they think I just want a slave? On the other hand, how on earth can I expect my children to learn to respect and appreciate the other people in their lives if they are never required to have any responsibility of their own? Do I really want to wake up one day with a couple of teenagers that can’t even be bothered to do their own laundry or clean off their own places after a meal? NO. I want my kids to go out into the world as prepared as they can be to deal with life. I cannot give my children an education; that is something they must apply themselves to on their own. But I can teach them responsibility and it just so happens that in doing so, I also get to transfer my work energy away from picking up toys for the 400th time in an afternoon and focus it instead on directing the growth of little minds.
Another reason I resisted the chore thing for so long was, to be honest, a kind of laziness. It might seem like making the kids do the work is being lazy but in reality, it’s MORE work than doing it myself, most of the time. It’s not like I can say “go clean the living room” and come in half an hour later to a sparkling, domestic paradise. The reality is that each step involved in cleaning up an area must be directed and supervised, making “clean the living room” into a two hour project sometimes. Truthfully, while it’s nice not to be the one cleaning up the junk off the table, in reality it’s not less work for me, it’s just different work.
However, the process of properly cleaning a room isn’t any different than any other job my kids are going to have to do in their lives. It’s not, at the end of the day, the fact that they’re cleaning off their places at the end of a meal that’s the big deal. What really matters is that they are learning skills that are applicable in every facet of their life moving forward. I know adults that are much older than me that cannot walk into a messy room and clean it without having a panic attack or dealing with anxiety about the sheer amount of work that needs to be done. It is painfully difficult for them to break the work down into projects that can be handled a bit at a time. I think many people do not realize how important being able to walk into a disaster and make it right actually is to the rest of their lives.
While I certainly did not appreciate this as a child or a teenager, my parents gave all four of us kids something that is invaluable. I can walk into just about any situation, learn about what is going on, break it down into bite size pieces and tackle a problem until it’s completion. I learned this, believe it or not, from doing chores and being required to do them correctly. Sure, other things in my life have added to that education but the groundwork was laid at home, by parents I believed just wanted four little slaves.
Figuring out how to implement this kind of education in my own home has been more challenging than I thought it would be. For one thing, I’m dealing with four different levels of ability. For example, Ariel is ten years old. If she vacuums the floor and it looks like she didn’t even try, it’s because she didn’t even try. If I ask Abigail to do it and it looks like she didn’t even try it’s because she’s only four years old and doesn’t understand the steps involved in doing it well. This means that after she’s completed her assigned task, I have to do it over again anyway. Which is frustrating but what’s important is that Abby is learning to do things for herself and participate in keeping the home nice for everyone else, too.
Aside from cleaning up after themselves, I think the most important thing they are learning right now is that none of us live in a vacuum. “But I didn’t make the mess” is never, ever an acceptable response to me. I recently heard myself suggesting to certain young lady that I saw no reason whatsoever why I should wash clothes or cook food I wasn’t going to be wearing or eating. I mean, sure, she may not have been the *only* person who dumped bits of dirt, crumbs and candy-wrappers on the carpet but so what? How many people grow up in life and have this ridiculous idea that the only person they are ever responsible for is themselves? No. You live in a home and it’s a community made up of the people that live in it. The bottom line is that in this crazy world, we have to take care of each other and work together from time to time for everyone’s benefit.
It totally starts at home, cleaning toilets, vacuuming floors and cleaning up after little brothers.
While yes, we did learn all these wonderful lessons and all that lovely garbage, but really the idea is to enslave your children. That’s what having kids are for: to clean up messes, get a better return on your taxes and ultimately take care of you when you’re old and infirm. Discipline is a good thing too, beating them twice daily at the minimum is a staple of a good parent. If they’ve done nothing wrong, you’re probably just failing as a parent and not looking hard enough; so slap that kid around the living room until they admit to whatever it is that you didn’t notice.
I jest, of course. As the youngest sibling of the thoughtful momma, my chore load was much greater than the other children because I was the last one at home when our parents moved onto a farm. While the attention to detail was by necessity much lessened in my father’s inspections, the sheer amount of work never failed to have an avalanche affect on my brain as what I was supposed to do was explained to me every day. However, even today I amaze my co-workers with the speed and efficiency I can accomplish tasks simply by applying the lessons I learned growing up.
Work hard. Do it right the first time, or you’re just going to have to do it again. Who made the mess (or caused the problem, or who’s job it is…) doesn’t matter, you are now the one doing it.
My mom used to tell us a story about four people: Anybody, Somebody, Everybody and Nobody. I’ve paraphrased the end because I cannot remember it exactly.
There was a job that needed to be done. Anybody could have done it. Everybody said he would do it. Somebody should have done it. But Nobody did it. So they all got screwed.
“Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies evaluate it as at least a misdemeanor.” -Heinlein
Wonderful post. I have a hard time getting my two to do chores (5 and 3) and I know that a lot of it is because I haven’t required them to do it before now. I was doing dishes by the time I was my eldest’s age, and I was required to keep my room clean. Neither are things I’ve pushed with them because, as you say, it’s easier to do it myself than deal with the ordeal that cleaning with them becomes.
I love your points about what makes this so important. I need to make sure to keep it in mind while I try to get my boys cleaning. Because they are so true – chores DO set kids up for things they’ll have to deal with in later life.
– Amber (stopping over from Weekend Link Up)
I definitely think it helps children to be raised with a good work ethic and to take responsibility, and that can only happen when their parents allow them to work. You can say oh they’re too young, oh they’re young but one day they’ll be sixteen and not do anything, because why should they, you’ve managed fine before without their help.
Hi,
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Keep up the good work!
Gregg
There is something to be said about a child that does chores. I wish I would have been more firm with my oldest.
Now, I get a fresh start! Yeah!
We will see how it goes.
Pam