What I read there caused me some rather strong mixed feelings. For starters, let me say that I have been a bottle-feeding mother.  As I’ve explained in previous posts, my son has a condition known as a posterior ankyloglossia.  This is a tongue-tie on the back side of the tongue.  The details aren’t really important at the moment but suffice to say that due to his inability to express an adequate amount of milk, he wasn’t growing.  Pumping didn’t work very well for me and in the end, my son’s life hinged on his being fed from a bottle, eventually entirely full of formula.  My son is my third child and the only one who wasn’t breastfed until well past 3 years of age.  Because I’ve experienced to the fullest both aspects of baby feeding, this article struck several chords with me.

The author opens up her article by talking how aware she is of the judging eyes watching her prepare to feed her child a bottle of formula:

“Those looks speak a thousand words, most of which boil down to, “How could you? We’re doing the best for our baby, why aren’t you?”

My first thought is kind of reactionary: “You don’t know that’s what they are thinking, that’s you’re own guilt talking.”  Well maybe yes and maybe no. More likely both.  The author mentions later in the article that she had wanted to breastfeed but that medical conditions took the choice away from her.  I can tell you from experience that the guilty feelings and sadness about not being able to feed your baby as planned are very powerful, even with the knowledge that the choice to formula feed was made in the best interest of the child.

The truth is that I know exactly what she’s talking about.  I remember the eyes narrowing from across the room. I’ve seen the chins lift a little higher upon realizing that I formula feed and *they* don’t.  I was involved for a short time in a very “crunchy” organization (revolving around home birth) and as an extremely “naturally minded” Momma I felt uncomfortably out of place surrounded by breastfeeding moms with my son sucking down a bottle.  I remember sitting at those meetings and other public places arguing with myself about whether or not those looks were truly judging me or if I was letting my own disappointment and guilt interject those feelings on what I was perceiving from their glances.

I didn’t honestly feel judged by most of them.  But from some, I definitely got the haughty looks, the snide comments and questions phrased to impart judgment on my choices (if you can call not allowing your son to starve to death a choice).  I can’t tell you how many times, even after frank discussion on the choice I made I received the implication that I should have tried harder, done more and that I had done my son a disservice despite everything.  The reaction that irked me the most was the implication that I’m excused from my choice because I had a reason that the listener approved of.  Listen, people, I don’t need your permission to feed my son anything.  I don’t need your approval for my choices, either.

As I read the above article I recognize that sense of resentment and helpless anger I felt in those moments.  It’s NOT just in her head.  Is she, perhaps, projecting?  Probably, we all do it and in all likelihood most of the people she thinks are judging her are not even paying attention to her.  Yet, this reality doesn’t invalidate her frustration because that judgement is sometimes there and she isn’t entirely wrong about those baleful, disrespectful gazes.

“Certainly I feel that I have to defend my decision to bottle-feed, justify my choices so they’ll accept me.” 

Oh yeah.  That’s real, I’ve experienced it even from people who know my stances on breastfeeding in general.  Ugh.  We really need to focus more on education and rein in the judgment.  If we treat all mothers with the assumption that they have the best at heart for their children, I think our message would get a lot farther.

Unfortunately my sympathy kind of wanes when I follow her article further.  She suggests that as she sits there feeding her son his bottle, that the breastfeeding moms start to look envious.

“My guess is they’re thinking,”That looks a lot more efficient than breastfeeding.” You’re right, I want to tell them.”

WHAT? Ok, the violin in my head that started playing sympathetically in the background as I started reading this article just screeched to a painful halt.

My first thought is, “How would you know, you’ve never breastfed!” Also, I think she has the term “efficient” confused with “convenient”.  Efficiency as it applies to baby feeding would, by necessity, have to apply to the transfer or nutrients and which method represents the best carrier.  In this regard, there isn’t a shred of evidence that supports formula being “more efficient”.

She further distances herself from my camaraderie and confirms my suspicions regarding her vocabulary skills  by making this statement:

“I can almost hear the deafening mental processing in those staid church halls: “She won’t have cracked nipples, mastitis, thrush or leaking milk. And her partner probably helps with the night feeds.”

I start off feeling strong feelings of understanding for her plight and end up wanting to throw something at my computer screen.  Especially with her closing statement being:

“It’s really not so bad, I want to tell them, you should try it some time.”

Ugh, WHY?  I mean, why take a powerful message of “Hey, quit judging me and mind you’re own business” and turn it into this plaintive, childish speculation?  This appears, to my eyes, to be a classic case of twisting a perspective around so that feelings of resentment, guilt and frustrating become instead feelings of superiority and smugness.  How does that make you any better than the people you think are judging you?

To make matters worse the sentiments expressed here make formula feeding look better to impressionable young women.  I breastfed for 6.5 years (I actually did nurse my son for several months) and I never once had cracked nipples.  It happens but is almost always related to improper latching and is easily correctable.

It’s true that if you formula feed, you aren’t terribly likely to develop mastitis or thrush (at least, not on your breasts).   That’s true.  It’s also true that if you never breastfeed, you’re more likely to develop breast cancer than the women who do.  It’s also true that your child is more likely to develop gastro-intestinal illnesses, allergies and various infections than if they had been breastfed.  This isn’t to say that if your child bottle-feeds they are doomed to a childhood filled with illnesses.  Of course not.  Yet, facts are facts and the research suggests that children as a whole fare better when breastfed and, surprisingly to some, so do their mothers.

None of these issues address the idea of efficiency, though, leading me to be assured that my initial guess was correct: she must be talking about convenience.  I can’t agree though I’m sure that for some mothers bottle feeding is more convenient.  For me it was a pain in the ass and despite some of the realities that make breastfeeding more of a challenge, I missed it and often daydreamed of those easy nights where all I had to was roll over, stick a boobie in a mouth and go back to sleep.

I knew even while I was grateful for it that formula was inferior food to breastmilk.  I didn’t feel it necessary to decide that bottle feeding was “more efficient” or “better” than breastfeeding just to make myself feel better about a situation that was beyond my control.  It’s not better, not even a little bit.  It’s simply what needed to be done and I’m grateful it worked.

What I took away from this article was this: The few crusaders for their causes that use their stance as fuel for their superiority over other mothers are doing far, far more damage than those who are simply innocent of the truth.  This woman’s disturbing article is a prime example of a mother who has dealt with the viciousness that is mom judgement and has in turn changed her thinking in self defense.  I think her thinking is wrong and there is something to be said for her inability to just own her choices and move on.  On the other hand, she’s a new mother.  Is it really so surprising that she’s chosen to bolster herself by making her situation look better than yours?  It’s human nature.

To the judgers out there, on either side, I implore you: Grow Up.  This isn’t high-school, this is real life.  What you say and how you treat other people ripples out from you indefinitely.  That’s a heavy reality that nobody likes to think about too much (I shudder to think where some of my ripples have gone) but it’s the truth.  Women who are bottle-feeding still need support, love and compassion.  Being a new mother is hard enough without feeling as though you have to defend yourself constantly.

Aaaaanyway, there is one thing that I hear a lot in these discussions that bothers me. Even in the linked article above, I see it. The idea that breasts were created for nurturing AND sex. That they are multi-purpose. It always gives me pause.

I guess I’m just not buying it. Human beings were created in a way that encourages sex, yes. But the only organs that are specifically designed FOR SEX are our genitals. Breasts aren’t genitals.

Who decided that breasts were made for sex? Women? I doubt it. Men find breasts sexually attractive in our culture so I guess that means they were created for them to play with? I find that hard to swallow.

Now, as a woman, I’m rather fond of broad, beefy shoulders. I admit it, I likes them. I likes them a lot. I like them because they are, to me, very masculine and I really like men. So I guess that means that men’s shoulders were created for sex? Ever done a double-take at washboard abs? I suppose that men’s bellies were created for sex too, eh? What about hands? I’m a HUGE fan of man hands. And what about doobs (Dude Boobs). I am personally extremely fond of playing with Dipples. They’re fun! We can’t possibly really think that it’s ONLY men that react to sexually pleasing physical attributes? What makes them “sexual” is merely the fact that they are masculine or feminine, depending on which way you swing! I am (mostly) straight! I like men and I find the bits and pieces of men that are inherently masculine sexually pleasing. That doesn’t mean that those parts were created for sex. I recognize that I appreciate them but I’m not so sexist as to believe those delicious dipples were created JUST for feminine pleasure.

Although….Food for thought: as far as we know dipples have no physical purpose. So really, if anyone’s “breasts” were created for sex…it’s doobs, not boobs. Just sayin’…

Will Smith: Come on now...seriously? You know perfectly well that you wanna poke it. Just to see if it's really as fine as it looks.

Christian Bale: There were so many pictures of this man shirtless on Google that I have to assume he's got a popular chest. I like more hair...personally. Still...

Hugh Jackman: Yes, hair is good. And look! Nice shoulders...and arms...and OK STOP DROOLING YOU ARE GOING TO FRY YOUR KEYBOARD!!!

Vin Diesel: Don't lie. This made you smile.

I dunno, it’s just always bothered me. To me, it’s patriarichal nonsense to suggest any part of a woman’s body was created “to please” a man. UNLESS the shoe goes right onto the other foot. When it becomes socially unacceptable for men to display their wares as above, then I’ll take such an idea more seriously. Until then, though, I’m just going to go ahead and cry bullshit.

This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Nursing in Public hosted by Dionna and Paige at NursingFreedom.org. All week, July 5-9, we will be featuring articles and posts about nursing in public (“NIP”). See the bottom of this post for more information.

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Breasts and Sexuality: Time to Grow Up!

Breastfeeding has been getting a lot of press lately. There has been much debate over whether or not nursing in public is shameful or inappropriate. One of the many common arguments seems to focus around whether or not breastfeeding is sexual in nature. The prevailing consensus appears to be that if it is, it shouldn’t be public and therefore, proponents for nursing in public insist that it’s not sexual. They often make the concession that it is sensual in nature, but not sexual.

Before I get into why I think nursing in public is absolutely appropriate, allow me to first define the words “sensual” and “sexual”.

Sensuality is anything pertaining to the physical gratification of the senses. When we think of something sensual we are thinking of something indulgent. We might describe rich flavors or a heady aroma as sensual. The cool, slippery feeling of satin against our skin or the tingling warmth of a hot bath are sensual experiences.

Sexuality would be anything pertaining to reproduction. If we were discussing animals say, on a nature program, we would study their sexuality from puberty through courtship rituals to how they birth and feed their young. Human sexuality is more complicated, obviously, but my point here is that the study or discussion of sexuality as a whole is not confined merely to the act of copulation. So when we describe something as being sexual in nature, we are not necessarily talking about sex. Anything that relates to our reproductive practices and cycles is sexual in nature.

Based upon these definitions I think that it’s entirely fair to say that breastfeeding is both sexual in nature as well as sensual. This does not mean, however, that I come down on the side of the debate that thinks breastfeeding in public is shameful. On the contrary, I think it’s essential. I think it’s time that society grew up with regards to sex.

I believe that we have confused sexuality with titillation. The reality is that men and women are sexual creatures. Everything alive has a sexual aspect to its nature. For many reasons, mostly religious, our forbearers narrowed in on the act of sex and condemned it as dirty, disgraceful and perverted. They couldn’t do away with sexuality entirely, though, because we are driven by every living cell within us to procreate, to reproduce. So instead they squelched it, made it taboo and shoved it as much as possible into the furthest, darkest reaches of shame and labeled it “sinful”. If they couldn’t stamp it out entirely, they could remove the sensuality from it. We were taught that finding pleasure in sex and anything related to it was wrong.

We’ve come a long way in our society. Women are no longer suppressed as they once were and because of that, neither are the men. In many ways we embrace our sexuality but we do so with the awkwardness and immaturity of youth. We haven’t really grown up yet. We’re still rebelling. In the back of our societal mind, we are still not totally convinced sexuality isn’t sinful. We want to believe it but we’re still struggling to break free of deep-seeded conditioning.

As such, we’ve created a different problem: We don’t embrace sexuality as a whole; we focus on carnality. Women’s bodies have become over-sexualized by the media and in turn, by us. This is especially true of women’s breasts in the U.S.! Once formula really took off and marketing gimmicks had most of our women bottle-feeding from the start, there wasn’t any other purpose for our breasts. So they became exclusively for looking at or displaying as objects of desire.

Regarding breasts in their natural, sexual role, however, takes a mature perspective. As I mentioned before, sexuality isn’t necessarily about having sex. The truth is that breasts are fundamentally sexual in nature because their purpose is directly related to human reproduction: we use them to feed our young. This is why breastfeeding can be “sexual” without being dirty or shameful. We mustn’t confuse the term “sexual” with “titillating”. I think this is the real problem society stumbles over with regards to nursing in public and why breastfeeding advocates get so offended by the idea that breastfeeding is sexual. There is nothing arousing about nursing a baby and society knows this. It’s very few individuals who truly believe that breastfeeding is incestuous and the vast majority of people don’t take these small-minded thinkers seriously, regardless of their feelings about public feeding vs not.

Unfortunately the attitude that has become prevalent is distaste for breasts anywhere outside of a titillating context. It’s not just nursing breasts, its old breasts and fat breasts, too. We don’t like our breasts wrinkly, saggy or with a child attached to them. Most people with this attitude may not even realize that is where their discomfort comes from. However, if breastfeeding should be private-but not because it’s arousing- then why should it be?

Our culture is trying so hard to keep women in an over-sexualized space that we are leaving feminism behind and reaching into a new era of oppression. It’s our children that will pay for this, ultimately. If we mothers allow ourselves to be shamed out of breastfeeding in public then we are perpetuating this insidious, odious attitude. Breastfeeding is beautiful. There are few things on this earth as pure, as right and as perfect as a mother nursing her baby. Do we really want to teach our children that breastfeeding is perverted?! Surely not!

When we consider the benefits that breastfeeding has for our children and ourselves, then we come to realize that breastfeeding is what is best for society as a whole. When we imply by compliance that breastfeeding isn’t appropriate in public, we are silently modeling to our children the very attitude we abhor!

I have two daughters and a son. I don’t want my son growing up thinking that women’s breasts (and by extension, women in general) are just for playing with and objectifying. I don’t want my daughters growing up with this two-dimensional ideal for themselves, either. I sincerely hope that they grow up with a healthy appreciation for the many wondrous and fascinating aspects of women. We are lovers as well as nurturers. We are multi-faceted and that goes for our breasts, as well.

I will nurse shamelessly in public because I refuse to perpetuate the nonsense that women’s bodies are either for sex or disgusting. I want to help society grow up. Shaming a woman for breastfeeding in public reminds me of middle-school children making fun of the only girl in class who’s started her period. It’s childish, immature. It speaks of deep-seeded insecurities and a lack of confidence in itself. I’m not going to pass these insecurities along to my kids. Together, we really can change the world. Yes, it truly can start with something as simple as feeding your baby with pride, in public.

Welcome to the Carnival of Nursing in Public

Please join us all week, July 5-9, as we celebrate and support breastfeeding mothers. And visit NursingFreedom.org any time to connect with other breastfeeding supporters, learn more about your legal right to nurse in public, and read (and contribute!) articles about breastfeeding and N.I.P.

Do you support breastfeeding in public? Grab this badge for your blog or website to show your support and encourage others to educate themselves about the benefits of breastfeeding and the rights of breastfeeding mothers and children.

This post is just one of many being featured as part of the Carnival of Nursing in Public. Please visit our other writers each day of the Carnival. Click on the links below to see each day’s posts – new articles will be posted on the following days:
July 5 – Making Breastfeeding the Norm: Creating a Culture of Breastfeeding in a Hyper-Sexualized World
July 6 – Supporting Breastfeeding Mothers: the New, the Experienced, and the Mothers of More Than One Nursing Child
July 7 – Creating a Supportive Network: Your Stories and Celebrations of N.I.P.
July 8 – Breastfeeding: International and Religious Perspectives
July 9 – Your Legal Right to Nurse in Public, and How to Respond to Anyone Who Questions It

I hate it, you know. The last couple of days he’s been so fussy and so clingy and my natural instinct is to lift my shirt and offer him comfort. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve caught myself reaching for the hem of my shirt, after settling him in my lap. *sigh*

It was really nice to just hold him and LOOK at him last night. I used to do that every night with my girls. Just sit there and breathe in my kid, ya know? Sometimes, with the girls, it annoyed me. There were other things I could be doing! Morgan, in particular, wouldn’t sleep any other way (believe me, we tried). With two kids, it was often nice to snuggle down with Abby at the end of the day and just BE with her, without any distractions. It still frustrated me, at times, though. Particularly when I wanted to be, say, playing a game of cards with my girlfriends (I do love cards). I didn’t realize until last night how rare that quiet time is for Ethan.

As I said, I thought his belly was bothering him so I had him upright, with his head snuggled on my shoulder, against my cheek. After a while, though, he shifted and snuggled down on his back, in my arms. He was so relaxed. He started to snore. I realized, then, that he just wanted his Momma! I mean, it was an unconscious need, on his part, he just fussed. He was too sleepy to sit up and stick his arms out, he just knew he needed something and was looking for it in his sleep. I felt like he’d given me an unexpected gift.

I have, for years now, been very uncomfortable and even angered by the notion that some breast-feeders seem to have; that breastfeeding mothers love their children more (*snort* please!) or that they have a deeper bond with their children than those who bottle/formula feed. That is total bullshit, if you’ll excuse my American. Now that I am a bottle/formula feeding mother, the sentiment is infuriating. True, it’s really not a common one, all told. I find it’s more common among new mothers and among the privileged few who don’t seem to be aware that hard life does exist for the majority of people.
In any case, I have come across this idea. I’ve seen new mothers who bottle-feed being ripped to shreds for not loving their children as much as they should; seen them “cringe” and leave, hurt, upon being told their bond just isn’t as deep as the other mothers in parenting community. It’s really disgusting.

That said, I do think the bonds are different. I don’t have the same relationship with my son as I did with my girls. Part of that, for sure, is that he’s a different child! I didn’t have the same relationship with Abby as I did with Morgan and I remember being distressed about it. Of course my relationship with each child is going to be unique! But it must be said that not breastfeeding my son has definitely made developing that deep bond more challenging for me, as my previous experience with it has been via nursing.

As I was sitting there with my snoring son taking up my entire lap (how the heck did he get so big?!) it came to me that much of what I’ve been missing- even mourning- out of nursing are things that have slipped away by degrees that didn’t have to. So I’m making a promise to myself and to my son. There will be quiet snuggle time. It’s hard to fit it in, for sure, but he’s worth it. I realized last night that he’s growing way too fast. He’s larger than either one of his sisters at 15mo and he’s only 9mo old. I don’t know if he’s going to be my last baby but it’s not too hard to imagine that being the case. He’s so precious and this time is going by too quickly!

I think there are things that non-nursing mothers miss out on. It has nothing to do with whether or not they love their children or whether or not they have a special bond with their kids. Of course they do! I just think that breastfeeding facilitates that bond, right from the start. At least, it has been true for me. I wonder how much harder it would have been for me if Ethan had never nursed at all? I’m sorry I let him develop a preference for holding his bottle in his seat instead of arm feeding. Yes, it was/is terribly practical. He doesn’t seem to care, lol. But, I don’t know, I miss “eyeball talk”. I miss those moments where nothing exists outside of myself and my nursling. I can’t even describe those timeless moments with those little fingers exploring, exploring while my baby just gazes at me.

Anyway, it seems that some of the most profound benefits of breastfeeding (outside of nutrition) are possible even when bottle-feeding. Skin to skin time, arm feeding, sleep-sharing; all of these things are still possible and most certainly beneficial. I think we have to get more creative at times to make these things a reality but it can still be done. I still say that breastfeeding is the normal way to feed a baby. I still want to advocate for its normalcy everywhere I go. It’s still THE #1 option for feeding our babies. I just hope that those who need to bottle-feed, for whatever reason, are aware that doing so doesn’t mean all of the non-nutritive benefits of breastfeeding go out the window. They don’t have to.

See, I think part of the problem is that her milkies were inadvertently and rather suddenly cut off when my supply tanked after the fiasco that was Ethan’s nursing relationship*. It’s not like she is or was nursing much, once or twice a day tops. She always nurses before bed and every now and then (like this morning) she asks for a cuddle nurse. The thing is that I have no milk. Abby tells me that there’s nothing in there but if she tries, it will come. It’s heart breaking. She loves it. Last night before bed she said, “Milkies?” and then started smacking her lips and going “num num num!”. We also had a short session yesterday in the living room and she was humming along to herself, quite happily, as she nursed. She’s been doing that for the last two years. As a baby she was all about the EATING part of nursing and then she was done. While we were in NY, though, right around a year or so old, she really got attached to it emotionally. I guess I didn’t realize just HOW attached she was because she was never a nurse a hundred times a day kid, like Morgan was. Abby only asks a few times a day, like I said, and most days she only nurses once.

I tried telling her we were cutting it out and she didn’t throw a fit about nursing, instead she threw a fit about a stuffed animal like five minutes later. Her entire demeanor changed, she was frustrated, angry, hurt. I asked her what was wrong and she just shrugged. I know that Abigail is SO much like me (in that she’s likely to suppress her rejected feelings project them onto something else) that I decided she must be upset about the mikies so I asked her if she was upset about that and she started to SOB. I hadn’t actually cut it out yet, I just told her that it was the last night! So I back-pedaled and asked her if she thought she was ready to stop having milkies. She said she was a big girl and NOT a baby but that she wanted to keep her milkies.

The bottom line is that she’s not ready and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I don’t believe in forced weaning, particularly in a child that still is too young to really articulate their feelings and too young to understand complicated concepts like, “People will think Mommy is weird if she keeps nursing a 3yo without any milk”. Yes, I admit it, that’s part of my reason for wishing to wean. The other trouble is that nursing without milk isn’t comfortable. The other OTHER reason is that nursing a 3yo is nothing like nursing a baby or even a toddler. Nursing a child this age means nursing a child who has forgotten (as part of the natural course of things) all about let-down and deep eating. So her latch sucks (tee-hee! I made a funny!). She only does the quick flutter nursing which would be FINE except it doesn’t require a deep latch which means her TEETH start to grate on me, literally. I can’t describe the sensation. It starts out as barely noticeable and by the end I’m doing breathing exercises to keep myself from clawing my own face off.

The thing is, upon close inspection, you’ll notice that every single one of the reasons I want to wean are all about MY needs. And well, Abigail needs to continue nursing right now. I wish I knew WHY, though. If I could figure out something we could do together to replace it (like I did when I weaned Morgan) it would make life much easier. But so far I’ve not found anything. Thankfully, she rarely nurses long and if I do let her have a bit during the day, she stops when I ask her to. Still, I can’t help but wonder how long this is going to go on!

That and it makes me sad to think about it anyway. I feel badly that her milkies dried up all of the sudden. That wasn’t fair to her. I’m also kind of sad that it’s time to think about weaning. I didn’t think Abby would be my last nursling and it looks like she might be. It’s bitter-sweet, when they start to grow up, lol.

Me nursing Morgan and Abigail.  Morgan is 3yo and Abigail is maybe a week old.

I am still sad that Ethan only got 4ish months of nursing. I still feel kind of like he got the short end of the stick.

Anyway, Morgan was 3.5 when she was ready to let it go so let’s see how this year goes, eh?

* Ethan was born with a tongue tie. At first,we thought it was just in the front so we had that clipped and went about our business, nursing on demand as usual. But it slowly became obvious that he wasn’t gaining any weight. In the end he was diagnosed with FTT and hospitalized. Turns out, his tongue tie is so severe that the webbing under his tongue extends all the way back and as a result, he cannot latch properly. He was unable to to nurse effectively and the effort was exhausting him. I tried pumping but ended up pumping, feeding, pumping, feeding 8hrs a day and with two other small children and STILL having to supplement (cuz my breasticles don’t like pumps) I just couldn’t make that work. So now he’s formula fed and the process of pumping unfortunately just killed my supply altogether. So from Abby’s perspective, there was milk and now there isn’t.

I previously posted about Facebook’s obvious hypocrisy regarding their policies and boobs. Gemma has been talking about the same thing as she is one of the people being targeted. But with this post of hers I have to wonder, does Facebook just hate women? What is going on, here?!

Hateful, threatening or obscene?

Are these terms you would usually associate with breasts? When I think of breasts I think of many words but those are not them. Breasts are soft, squishy, round, pointy, perky, plump, enticing, sexy, comforting, nurturing, useful (hello, breastfeeding!) but not to Facebook. This morning Facebook told me that my fan page dedicated to sharing information about a) my long term photographic project Show Us Ya Tits and b) about breasts, was those things. And I quote: “Among other things, pages that are hateful, threatening or obscene are not allowed”.

When they first took down my images from the fan page I thought it was a shame Facebook was buying into that boring rhetoric that any body that falls outside the accepted norm of youth and sexuality is not to be showed. The week progressed and my little status update spawned some sort of viral infamy, I had over 4,000 people log on a read my previous blog. I did interviews with three radio stations, and two newspapers, who between them managed to get me syndicated all over the world – the original ABC article was even translated into Indonesian. Over 200 new people joined my fan page. So yes, the people seemed to agree, Facebook was being hypocritical.

As the week progressed Facebook continued to take down my images, and whether it was because I kicked up a stink or not I was quite pleased that at least they were being evenhanded with their no nudity policy; taking down the sexy Sexpo Showgirls as well as my nan. I posted an image of Bebe (see below) as my profile because her nipples were covered and I thought that would fall in line with their no nudity policy, which incidentally I never set out to challenge. I actually think it is dangerous territory for them to have anything but a no nudity policy, because where do you draw the line? All I was arguing for was that they apply that policy fairly, and not remove an image of breastfeeding and leave one of sexy breasts.

But this morning Facebook has taken down my whole page because the content was hateful, threatening or obscene. Since when were breasts any of those things? What kind of message are we sending to girls when we decree that breasts are obscene? Or when we tell them that their bodies are hateful? Or that sharing information about normal, natural bodily functions is threatening? What we are telling young women who are developing, and women who have troubled relationships with their bodies is that they are not okay if they don’t fall in line with the images media feeds us on a daily basis. We are telling women, and for that matter men, that bodies have to be standardized to be accepted. What we are failing to tell when we censor diversity is that bodies come in the most delightful rainbow of shapes, sizes and colours. And more simply, what we are failing to do when we decree bodies obscene is that we are all different. Each and every one of us is different and that is a good thing.

I’m going to put myself on the line here and tell my story. Ironically given how much time I have invested into researching other people’s breasts over the last five years I have never told it to anyone. I still feel a bit saddened by it I guess, but anyway here goes; I developed early, BAM, breasts appeared on my chest overnight. It was a shock not only to me, my peers but also to my parents. Because, like it or not, when an 11-year-old has breasts all of a sudden, you have a child on your hands who is instantly sexualised. Scary.
To be honest it took me a while to realise my classmates weren’t going to catch up on my early development, that I hadn’t just grown them earlier than anyone else. It took me a while to realise that I was going to end up with bigger breasts than everyone else. And the way I realised? Well that’s the sad bit I guess. I realised when I went to the school toilets one day and someone had drawn some graffiti on the wall. I sat there as I did my wee and read it. There were two silhouettes drawn next to each other, side views of a girls body. One was fairly average, and the other had huge breasts. One had an arrow pointing to it and said ‘Normal’ and the other had an arrow pointing to it that said ‘Gemma’.

I was a fairly naive kid. I read it and it took a few moments to realise that the ‘Gemma’ was me. The hot flush of embarrassment covered my cheeks and I felt sick. It was mortifying. In an instant someone told me that I wasn’t normal at an age where all you want is to be the same as everyone else. Unfortunately it was something I believed for a very long time. Because that’s the thing; When we as a community tell someone that differences are not normal, are not okay, we are dictating how they feel about themselves and that is massive power to wield.

So I ended up with huge breasts, I’m a 12F, and for all of my high school life, and a good chunk of time after then I felt ashamed of them, and intimidated by them. Although I have strong muscly body and great coordination I never played sport because I didn’t want people looking at me. I spent a lot of time looking at the ground so I wouldn’t see people looking at my breasts, because I was just a kid and the sexuality that is bundled up with breasts was far to overwhelming for me to deal with. I grew pretty cynical of any male attention because of my ‘abnormally’ large breasts, believing that the gimmick value was the only thing attracting them.

My breasts, and that one little picture some silly kid drew on the toilet wall 17 years ago (yes 17 and I still remember it clearly), have shaped my experiences and identity for a very long time. I am fully aware of the power of media to manipulate and that is why I started photographing this project. Because if I have the power to stop one little girl from feeling as shit about her body as I did then I will. If I have the power to show women and men of all ages that bodies are amazing because of their vast differences then I will. What I will not do is let fucking Facebook tell me that having open dialogue about breasts is hateful, threatening or obscene. That is not only abhorrent but given how large an audience it reaches, really dangerous.

I mean, really? That is such a perfect solution for women who can’t breastfeed for one reason or another. I wonder if it’s for real? I’m American so the concept is admittedly hard to wrap my head around, despite the fact that I would FULLY support such an idea here. Yet I know it would cause all kinds of hullabaloo if someone actually tried to do it.

People are so funny. One person told me that it was DISGUSTING to drink human milk and I just had to laugh because, you know, I worked on a dairy farm for a year. The fact the milk was organic hardly does anything at all remove the mental image burned into my brain of shit-covered udders being milked. People have no issue at all drinking cow’s milk but I’d pay real money to find out who the first person was that looked at that urine/blood/shit/semen/random other things soaked, massive THING dangling between the cows hindquarters and though, “Looks tasty!”.

People think absolutely nothing of feeding their children a collection of bovine proteins, and nutrients designed for COWS, chemicals and corn syrup but suggest they feed their child some other *person’s* milk and you get violent, knee-jerk, disgusted reactions. It makes NO sense to me whatsoever.

And yet I was raised here, too, and I definitely would have to think a minute before drinking someone else’s milk. I guess it’s all what you’re conditioned to think, eh?

In any case, Mongolians highly prize breastfeeding. I very much appreciate their cultures attitude towards one of nature’s finest products!

Thoughts?

While skimming through Facebook yesterday, I came across this article, shared for our viewing “pleasure”(or frustration, whichever fits): Eclectic Effervescence

April does a fabulous job of outlining the issue but I feel the need to stomp my feet in indignation, too. For the link-phobic, let me outline the issue. Facebook has been deleting pictures , communities and accounts of people who post pictures of breastfeeding mothers who are nursing their babies. The reason is because it’s against the terms of service to post pictures of “obscene or overtly sexual” material. Now, this isn’t news! This outrageous fact had been blasted all over Facebook back when I first joined, over a year ago. I mistakenly thought that since the fuss seemed to have died down, that it was dealt with. WRONG.

Oh the picture that is the cause of Facebook’s warnings this time?

This one:

That’s right. This picture, people, is either obscene or too sexually graphic for public viewing.

Now at the link above, you will read how the woman in the picture feels about this nonsense and see the pictures she found from various communities around Facebook that are DEFINITELY sexually explicit. She does a lovely job of pointing out Facebook’s apparent inability to grasp the definitions of their very own TOS!

But…I found even MORE on Facebook! Wanna see? GOOD!

Note: These are ALL profile pics for various Facebook communities titles along the lines of “Tits, Boobs, Big Titties, Large Breasts” etc.

Ok, that one’s not offensive enough to demonstrate my point, is it? I can do better!



Yes, you can actually see MORE of this woman’s breasts than April’s. I guess it’s ok because nobody is trying to LIVE off of them.

Nope. Nothing sexually explicit here, folks. She’s just being “artsy”.

LOOK! NIPPLES! Run! Run for your lives! Your virgin eyes will be tainted fore-wait. Wait. Oh PHEW! For a second there I thought she was going to breastfeed!

Ok, so this last one was NOT a community profile picture. It was just the only OTHER picture the community had in it’s list of photos. Obviously THIS is perfectly acceptable and doesn’t break the rules, though. See, not only are there no disgustingly hungry little babies in this picture, there also aren’t any dirty breasts in it. So it’s ALL GOOD.

What gets me isn’t that these people have these particular pictures posted on Facebook. I honestly don’t give a crap. Frankly, I feel that people should be able to post just about whatever they want online, I don’t have to look at it and I’m sick of the notion that someone else, other than myself, should be responsible for what I or my kids or anybody else sees. Furthermore, human sexuality does not gross me out, offend me or make me want to curl up and die. What DOES offend me is the apparent opinion of FAR TOO MANY PEOPLE that women’s bodies are ONLY FOR SEX and as such, posting anything that might hint otherwise is deemed offensive, obscene or sexually explicit (yes, please explain to me how feeding a baby makes you think about sex, you sick bastards).

It seems to me, based upon the pictures above and shown on April’s lovely blog, that Facebook doesn’t have a problem with sexuality, obscenity or women showing off their “femininity” to those who wish to see it. No, what they seem to have a problem with is women using their bodies for anything OTHER than sex! What really burns my butt is that they aren’t alone! Remember when Baby Talk (a popular magazine aimed at mothers) published a magazine with a close-up of a baby at the breast? Well I do! It positively shocked me how many MOTHERS were outraged by this! HELLO PEOPLE! If YOU are going to buy into the whole “our bodies are only for sex” ricockulousness, how do you EVER expect to be “equal” or respected!?

I’m going to now make some shocking revelations about the human body’s parts and their glorious versatility: The whole thing can be used for sex! Fingers, toes, lips, tongues (oooohhmmmffyyyeeesss), eyes, ears, necks, hands (oh wonderful hands!), vulvas, penises, arms, legs, the list goes on and on and is only limited by your imagination! Why do BREASTS get singled out? What did my breasts do to you!??! OH that’s right! I FED MY BABIES WITH THEM.

Oh horror! Oh how revolting! MILK COMES OUT OF THEM! How DARE they defy the rest of my sexual body by having a useful purpose outside of fantasy?

COME ON, people!

Facebook and everyone else that has their heads firmly rammed up their arses (another popular play-place…oh wait! THAT’S why they’re up there! HA!) please, PLEASE take a breather and THINK WITH YOUR BRAIN AND NOT YOUR CROTCHES.

Discriminating against our breastfeeding mothers is a crime against society, there isn’t any other way to look at it than that. You are discriminating against women FEEDING THEIR CHILDREN. Yes, it is actually that simple and you are all actually idiots.

I think that about covers it.

While perusing Woman Uncensored’s Facebook, I followed a link over to SquishyBumMum’s Facebook to read a really good quote that started a lovely debate (of course) that spanned 78 comments!

The quote was this: “When we trust the makers of baby formula more than we do our own ability to nourish our babies, we lose a chance to claim an aspect of our power as women. Thinking that baby formula is as good as breastmilk is believing that thirty years of technology is superior to three million years of nature’s evolution.”
~ Christine Northrup M.D.

Then a comment that basically read, “But women shouldn’t be made to feel inferior for not breastfeeding” and many that said “but someone women can’t breastfeed” and still more that suggested that telling the TRUTH (oh, suggesting that we give up our power when we believe that formula is as good or superior to breastmilk) is making women feel attacked or inferior.

It goes on and I saw a lot of good points made.

Before I get started on my little rant, allow me to remind my readers that my son, 6mo old on Wednesday of next week, is formula fed, 100%. So believe me when I say that I “get” where these women are coming from. The reasons why he’s formula fed aren’t really relevant to this discussion but if anyone wants to know, just ask I’m happy to share (and no, it’s not because I’m lazy, uneducated or believe formula is “Just as good or superior”).

I am a STAUNCH supporter of breastfeeding and I will always be so. As a formula feeder, now, I am STILL a militant breastfeeder at heart. I believe this attitude is paramount to normalizing breastfeeding in our society and I will shout “breast is best” from the rooftops until the day I die. I feel very passionately about this issue so don’t any of you think otherwise, mkay?

Anyway, to go on. So the whining started early and I say whining for a reason. Nowhere in that quote is anyone suggesting that women that breastfeed are superior mothers to those who don’t. Nowhere does it suggest that people who choose to formula feed are…well, anything! It simply states that believing formula is better than breastmilk has further implications than just being misinformed. It’s not a judgmental statement on anyone’s character at all. It’s just a statement of fact. So the people who read that and MUST project their own feelings of insecurity into the discussion as if they were attacked are WHINING. Yes, I just made a judgement.

The reality is that yes, many women are not able to breastfeed for a variety of reasons and as a formula feeding mother I get very tired of the 2% of all women statistic. It’s true that only 2-3% of the world’s women are physically incapable of breastfeeding, I don’t argue it. I’m just sick of seeing that statistic thrown out willy-nilly. And don’t tell me it’s not used in a subtle “I bet you really could have if you tried” kind of way because I KNOW it is because I’ve been reading Mommy blogs n Mommy groups for YEARS (and I’ll tell you that particularly when I was a new mommy to my first baby, I was happily tossing that statistic out in flame-wars, myself). Now, 2-3% doesn’t sound like much, I admit. However, if you take the approx number of women in the world in 2007 and multiply it by .02, you get a grand total of 65,836,100 who will, in theory, be physically incapable of breastfeeding due to a defect of some kind or disease or you know, breasts that don’t work. That is actually a LOT of people so chances are good, that some of these people we throw that statistic at actually ARE among the “very rare” women who literally CAN’T breastfeed. But that isn’t really my issue with that statistic, though I think seeing the numbers like that may help breastfeeding supporters be more compassionate and less likely to just blow hurting women off. I think it is vital we approach this issue with tact and LOVE because many women are truly hurting or suffering from the inner fear that they ARE inferior! No, my problem with that statistic is it only covers a fraction of the reasons why women don’t breastfeed. It does not, for example, touch women with serious medical conditions that need to be medicated (like women with severe Bipolar Disorder or certain diseases/auto immune disorders/congenital problems) in order to be functional women in society. Many of the medications these women need to take are not SAFE to feed their babies via the breast. I know some of these women, they are EXCELLENT mothers so don’t you DARE suggest they just shouldn’t have children, then. It doesn’t cover situations like my own, where it’s not the mother that is unable to breastfeed, it’s the BABY. And sadly, it doesn’t touch on the women my heart actually goes out to the most: women who cannot because they HAVE to work and pumping isn’t working for them, or don’t have the support networks they NEED in the workplace to breastfeed and work. My heart sings for them the loudest because THAT problem is fixable, rampant, and counts for FAR more FF mothers than we like to hear. So I get tired of hearing that because women that then stomp off in a huff because their feelings are hurt in many cases are just plain being dismissed and that’s not fair.

However, back to my original point. The problem I have with the WHINING is that stating that facts does NOT mean you’re inferior for choosing to formula feed!!!! It could very well be that you were misinformed. OR it could be that you have a damn good reason. There are MANY reasons why mothers choose to formula feed and if YOU choose not to for ANY REASON AT ALL, own it. Stop acting like information meant to inform and empower you is an attack. Believe me, there are staunch supporters for breastfeeding like myself running around with formula in their diaper bags. It’s not about making women FEEL BAD. It’s about empowering women to make informed choices. It’s about empowering women to be confident mothers who know what is BEST for their babies all around. It’s about spreading the INFORMATION that breastmilk is far, far superior for the health and well-being of our babies AND ourselves!

I formula feed and I’m not ashamed of it. I also breastfeed and I will tell you that my first thought upon reading that quote was “DAMN STRAIGHT, tell it like it is!”. I don’t feel inferior or looked down upon and there is NO reason why any women SHOULD just from reading that or any other pro-breastfeeding information. If any of my readers feels badly because they ff, you need to sit down and feel out the reasons WHY.

Do you feel badly because your breasts don’t work? If so please, please be kind to yourself, it’s NOT your fault and nobody with any sense is going to tell you it is. We understand, you’re an awesome mom and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

Is it because you just couldn’t make pumping work? If so, I know MANY women, including myself, in that situation and my heart goes out to you. It’s NOT as easy as some make it sound and you did your best. The FACTS are that the “breastpump” in general was designed by a dairy farmer (male) and an engineer (male) and they based it around how to get milk out of a COW. I don’t know if any of you have noticed, but we’re NOT COWS. So yeah, MANY women find the pumps of today “udderly” inadequate for keeping up a supply . Again, be kind to yourself, let it go, love yourself. It’s ok. Cuddle your child while feed him/her and smile because you are STILL a fantastic mother and NOBODY thinks otherwise.

Is it because you honestly didn’t try hard enough? Ok, so you didn’t try hard enough! Listen, nobody is perfect! We all make mistakes! The problem comes in when we don’t learn from them. It doesn’t make you an inferior mother but projecting that feeling of insecurity on people trying to HELP other women NOT make that mistakes DOES make you a whiner! Sorry for saying so, but I don’t do unicorn farts, ok? You’re still a great mom! Now you simply have an opportunity to be a greater person, in a way, because NOW you have the power to go out and share what you have LEARNED from that and empower other women to do the same! Furthermore, should you be blessed with other children, you have the power to make different choices based on the knowledge someone risked offending you by posting an “inflammatory” quote.

And what about those of you that had such difficult time, were in SO much pain, sick, etc etc? Honey, you do what you have to do and own it in the process. If you still feel you made the best decision, all things in your life considered, that’s on you and nobody can take that from you unless you LET them. The only thing I would say to you is that you that it might be a good idea, when you are ready, to see what could have been done differently. Find out the WHYs of your problem. Sometimes just knowing that you did all you could is enough. Sometimes finding out that the problem could have been surmountable if x, y or z were in place is healing in it’s own right (I know it was for my mother!). It is also a positive thing for your daughters and your sister women. They don’t need to hear “but breastfeeders think I’m inferior”. What they need to hear is “my situation sucked here’s what I did…and here’s what I learned through it”.

Are you upset because you have some living situation/working situation that pretty much made breastfeeding impossible and you will mourn it forever? Honey, you are not alone! Instead of being offended, please, PLEASE speak OUT about how angry and hurt you are over this issue. Our society BENEFITS from hearing your righteous outrage over how your right as a mother and your child’s right as a person was denied you because of a completely un-supportive system. Here you are, doing your best to raise your kids and you just CAN’T do what is in your heart because there are so many walls in your way! Raise awareness, nod your head and get out there and make yourself heard! These quotes aren’t meant to piss you off, they are meant to inspire you, meant to empower you and meant to make you know that you are NOT alone with your inner wisdom. You were RIGHT.

So, to round up my post (and if you’ve stuck with me so far, brownie points to you!): Someone made a comment in the post that I heartily agree with, both as a lactivist AND formula feeder. Mothers need to work together and support each other. Formula feeders, if your friends are lactivists, that is a GOOD THING. It’s not a personal attack on you, after all, they are your FRIENDS. I’m sure how you feed your baby is not the ONLY criteria that made your friendship to start with (and if it is, there is a problem, lol).

Lactivists, for heaven’s sake, please take a minute and think about how you present things to you readers/friends. If someone is telling you that they are hurt, take a minute and think before flying off the cuff with statistics or ranting. Think to yourself, “What’s her story?” ASK HER. Talk to her. It is my belief that really hearing your sisters and supporting them, even if it means gently telling them they could have done this or that and maybe had success, is THE pivotal point of lactivism. The reality is that we are NOT going to stop big business. What we CAN affect is the consumers. They are our sisters, our neighbors and our daughters. Be compassionate. LISTEN. Choose your words with care. Someone who is even participating in the discussion has an interest, try no to chase her away by being unwittingly callous in your enthusiasm. I speak from experience, I’ve hurt people unintentionally, I’ve sent people packing. It’s NOT effective.

Mothers, keep up the good work! ALL of you!