So yeh, 202lbs. One step forward, two steps back. Ugh.

The think I’ve skipped two.  One for Bitch Week and one because I was getting ready to go “out of town” and didn’t want to be bothered with it beings as Bitch week had only ended the day before.  But I promised myself that would be the last one skipped and by golly, I’m keeping my promise!  Better late than never, eh?

Alrighty!  So Wednesday morning I woke up obsessing about the scale.  I actually had been secretey obsessing about how fat I am the entire bloody weekend previous.  I’m a Celiac by default diagnosis and also broke, so you can imagine what eating at a convention must be like for me.  I pretty much lived off of pulled pork (the freaking greasiest pulled pork I’ve ever eaten in my LIFE) and French Fries, Hot Wings or Chinese Food.  Carefully.

Unfortunately for me, something got me.  I don’t know exactly what it was (my guess is contaminated fryer grease) but the bloat hit me and not only that, but I was sharing a room with a very old friend that has expounded upon what is and is not attractive in women to me MANY times over the last 11yrs and let’s just say that I’m not in the “happy” category.  Yes, sometimes, being “one of the guys” kinda blows.  In any case, as much as I enjoy his company, I’m always hyper conscious of how humangatoid I am when I’m around him.  Not only that but I had a pretty emotionally difficult weekend so by Wednesday, I just wasn’t feeling the whole “weigh myself” thing.

But you know how it is.  You go in the bathroom on weigh-in day and you can hear it;  that sinister little voice in corner.  “You know I’m here.  Stand on me!  The curiosity will KEEL YOU if you don’t!”  With resignation, I obeyed “the call”.

Now, generally, I don’t weigh myself during Bitch Week at all.  But last week, despite not making a post, I DID.  It wasn’t really Bitch week anymore and I wanted a point of reference for the next.  I was actually pleased with that number, it didn’t show a much change from the time before, at 203lbs.  But after the weekend I’d had of eating nothing but garbage, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to be happy with my results that morning.

Step on the scale…hold my breath…wait for it to stop wheezing and…200lbs?!  Srsly?  Must be a mistake!  Step of scale, shake it, make sure it’s set properly, squish it again and…AAANNNDDD..200lbs!  WAHOO!!!!

In retrospect, the only thing I can figure is that I didn’t overeat AND I walked, seriously, probably 40mi over the weekend.  My feet hurt soooooo badly by the end!  My sciatica is STILL unhappy with me.  I definitely consumed more coffee than food, too.

Anyway, so that’s 3lbs down in one week.  I’m pretty happy with that.  I’m only 1lb away from my first goal!  Yay!

I’ve decided the scale and I are not meeting today, either. Bitch Week only just ended yesterday (yeh, I know, right? It lasted for like, FOREVER this time!). I am sick and so not in the mood to confront my failures. Yes, failures because I know I won’t be happy with the scale today.

I’m actually having a really lousy week. I started seeing a therapist and my first session was Monday. I left feeling like it was a total waste of time and stress, though intellectually it makes sense that the first meeting would be sort of a meet n greet. My insurance only pays for 20min sessions, though, so frankly I don’t much see the point in this. I’ll stick it out for a while though and see how it goes. I have a feeling this is just going to turn into one more of those situations where I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable and just end up more hurt in the end. I’m really not sure about what I’ve got myself into. And the anxiety about it is ruining my day, lol.

But back to the weight-loss., I’m just very discouraged. This isn’t really working for me and I don’t know. Maybe I need a break? There are so many stressful things wrapped up in this that, of course, I can’t talk about or I will get phone calls, that it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I’m just not important enough to bother improving. My desire to lose weight feels selfish. I feel like I’m blocked in my goals at every turn. Obviously, none of these feelings are rational but tonight I just don’t have the energy to fight them.

Case in point it has taken me more than 8 hrs to write this post. Imagine what writing a recipe plan for the week is like. I feel like I don’t have enough TIME. Maybe it’s because I can feel my 30th year creeping up on me? Is this some kind of mid-mid-life crisis?!?!

Blagh. I’m in a funk and I know it. Maybe I won’t feel so hopeless about it when I’m not sick, eh? I found the above picture via Google. I see it has a signature on it, no it’s not my image. I just didn’t want anyone thinking I take myself TOO seriously, right? Right.

So today’s weigh in was actually a surprise for me. I gained. Not a lot, only a pound, but still. I didn’t think I was going to be seeing any real loss, but I did think I’d done better than that! I certainly sweated enough to justify seeing at least a maintain! Right? Apparently not!

Upon reflection I think it’s fair to say that yesterday, at least, I did a bit too much snacking. And if I did it yesterday, it’s a fair bet I did it on other days. I also have not been doing a good job keeping my fluid intake up. Coffee doesn’t really count, can you believe that?!

Realizing this, I’ve decided to give tracking yet another crack. I am definitely more successful when I track points, I just don’t like doing it. But, well, sometimes we just have to do things we don’t like. I don’t particularly like frogging or ripping out stitches, either, but I do love knitting and sewing! I guess, like with my hobbies, sometimes ya just have to put up with irritating details to get any good results.

So anyway, today’s weigh-in was 203lbs even. As mentioned, this is a 1lb gain from last week and brings me to a total loss of 5lbs (in 7wks? Really? I think it’s time to up the ante). You would have laughed if you were watching me. I always wait until that special moment in the bathroom has passed before weigh-in. This means that I’ve been dressed for quite a while so in what is quickly becoming a ritual, I strip down to nothing but my skivvies. Then I bring out the scale and put it in exactly the same place (because if I don’t I won’t get a consistent reading as it uses pressure on the “feet” to get a measurement and our floor’s not flat in ever spot). My scale is actually a black digital scale and looks nothing like the one in the picture above. I also do not have such nice legs, either, though my toes ARE painted red. You wanted to know, right?

I always take three measurements before being satisfied with what the scale says (because the first one is always wrong) but today I did six. Why? Well for starters, the first time I stood on it the damn thing lied as usual (I wear, scales are mean-hearted bitches), telling me I weighed 206.5lbs. Well I knew that was crap, there is no way I gained 4lbs and some change in a week. Oh Heeaaaalll no, it’s not Bitch Week! I stood on it five more times, though, because for the briefest of moments, it kept flashing 202.8lbs before switching to 203. No amount of shifting my feet around on the scale would get it to stay there, though! Please, please tell me I am not the only one that encourages and tries to coerce my scale? “Oh come on, you can do it, go back to that other number! Don’t you want to make me happy? Doesn’t it make you feel good when I smile? COME ON YOU ROTTEN…” Oh you know you do! Don’t lie! Validate my weirdness!!!

Break out the champagne, people, cuz I just weighed in! I lost five whole pounds! I don’t really have a ton to say about it other than WOOHOO!!!

I wasn’t tracking but I was applying what I’ve learned and denying myself lots of snacking. If I had to point to one thing that I think made the difference this week, it would be not eating at night. I did do it once but that was a day I had not eaten much due to being sick and when I did it I chose something relatively low calorie.

I have a terrible habit of snacking late at night. I think it’s because I used to skip breakfast entirely 100% of the time and not eat my first meal until after 1 in the afternoon. I still do that sometimes but it’s accidental (I swear, sometimes I just forget to eat!). But the result of this habit was that my metabolism was on a different clock than the rest of my day so I’d be hungry for “dinner” an hour before I went to bed. I have established a new rule with myself as of a couple of weeks ago: if I haven’t had breakfast for one reason or another, I WILL eat “lunch” at 11:30-noonish. I just don’t allow myself to go most of the day without eating something.

Another “on plan” rule I follow, even when not tracking, is stopping when I’m full. This is actually a really difficult one for me. I don’t like being stuffed to the brim anymore so that’s not a concern, it’s just when it’s something really, really delicious, I have a hard time not taking another bite…or maybe just one more…or oh dear, HOW is this so good? Like the other night my husband made baked catfish. He sprinkled it with lemon juice, Parmesan cheese and pepper. Very simple and absolutely delightful! I could have eaten that whole platter! The green beans he served with it and the corn, too, were cooked exactly right and well, let’s just say that just because it’s a healthy meal does NOT mean it’s easy not to overindulge.

Anyway, here’s to a successful week! I’m only 3lbs away from my first goal (199lbs) so I’m pretty excited! Tony says that I can get myself some clothes for each goal I reach. I promise not to make them all 5lbs apart, dear! For this goal it’s going to be an outfit, probably jeans and a t-shirt or something. When I get down to 150 (my next goal) I’m buying myself something sexy to share with him.

So here we are again. Talking about my big, fat butt.

Weighty Wednesday 5!

I’m relieved to announce that after Bitch Week, I only gained .8lbs. This brings my total loss to date at only a little over two lbs. I find this intensely frustrating but I know it’s mostly my fault. I sometimes wish I had the time and the resources to just dedicate most of my energy towards weight-loss. But the reality is that in my personal situation, that would just be selfish and I just don’t think I CARE enough for that. So I’m content with the turtle pace for now. I just need to find that inner motivation to be tough on myself when it comes to sticking to the plan. I am not getting the support I’d hoped for, though, in little ways and some of the support I was promised, even offered, just never happened. I’m starting to realize that if I can’t do it by myself I can’t do it at all. It’s still kind of a lonely road, though.

Once again I come face to face with the truth that for me, weight-loss is about emotional battles. I find this entire process painful and difficult and I don’t even know why! It’s as if there is some kind of mental road-block between me and the will to try harder. I can’t make excuses, really. Yes, there are a lot of things that could happen that would make it easier for me, at least in my head, but that’s not really IT. I’m not sure exactly what is. I’ve got the first thing I need, though. I’m determined! I don’t care if it takes me the next ten years, I WILL see me goals.

Non scale victory: I have managed to get down to a loosely-fitting size 16 and while that might seem huge to some, it’s a big deal to me. I even bought a pair of *gasp* shorts. Do you know how many years it’s been since I’ve worn SHORTS? I’m not entirely disgusted with how they look on me, either. I even plan on buying another pair!

I keep going back to obsessing over the fact I’ve only lost 2lbs. I must remember that I’ve actually lost more than 60 lbs so far, just not on this run. I KNOW I can do this. I can. I WILL.

Besides, I have much more exciting things to talk about than my blubbery butt.

MY LITTLE GIRL GRADUATED KINDERGARTEN TODAY!! Sing! Dance! Throw Confetti! And please…please ignore my abysmal photography skills.

The ceremony was wonderful and of course, stuffed full of sniffling parents. It wouldn’t have been so bad if their teacher hadn’t teared up. Miss S. is a fantastic teacher and we could all tell how much she cares about our kids. On her own budget and time, apparently, she’d been taking pictures of the kids throughout the year. She then put together a slide-show, set to music, and surprised us all with it after the children’s presentation. Not a dry eye in the house, y’all. As I was watching it, I was thinking how sad it was that I’d never get to look at them again.

Afterwards, Miss S passed out the diplomas. Morgan brought it over to me and it was tucked into a green folder. When I opened the folder I literally gasped! Inside was a yearbook that Miss S had put together, including every single one of the pictures in the slide-show! There were poems, a few cute little assignments from the kids (each child had to complete the sentence, “My favorite thing about kindergarten was __________”) and a hand-print in finger-paint from Morgan with a little poem. *sniffles* Morgan’s teacher spent her own money and put together a keepsake for each one of her students that their parents and much later, them, will cherish forever. How incredibly thoughtful. I have visited with Miss S many times and I’ve always left feeling impressed by her upbeat attitude, her obvious dedication and her competence as a teacher. It’s always impressive when a teacher has taken the time to really get to know their student as an individual. We will most definitely miss Miss Stancavich.

After the ceremony, some of the kids and their families met up at Chucky Cheese’s. We actually got there later than anyone else and it warmed me to my tippy-toes when there were shouts of “MORGAN!! YAY!!” from the other children when we showed up. She is well liked and friendly with everyone in her class. It’s really a pleasure to see the little world she’s making for herself. My heart just bursts with pride and gratitude seeing it.

Oh Morgan, words fail me. It seems like just last week I was trying to figure out why on earth you felt the need to stick one tiny foot up in the air while breastfeeding and now we’re looking at soccer games and summer-camp! Congratulations, Sweetheart. You made it through your first year of “real” school! Keep working hard and don’t ever loose your enthusiasm for learning! Daddy and I are so incredibly blessed to have you in our lives. Watching you grow and make your way is absolutely one of our greatest joys.

Here’s couple of pics from the day:

Weighty Wednesday

This week was a total bust tracking-wise. It’s been kind of a crazy week for me. I did horribly with what I ate over the weekend but for the rest of the week I was really good, despite my tracking sucking. I was telling a friend the other day that my method is some weird perversion of the Core method from WW’s and the Points method from same. Somewhere in there we find how Rebekah* does things.

Anyway, I am not at all surprised by the results this week. I gained 1.2lbs, bringing my weight *back up* to 205.2. I’m just FLIRTING with my goal, you see that?!!?! FLIRTING WITH IT.

When I first stepped on the scale, though, I about had a heart attack. I forgot that I’d been doing this naked! I have a “no jeans on the scale” rule. Tried to tell me I’d gained 5lbs!!! OH HELL NO. Off with the clothes (I really do usually do it naked or only wearing a shirt). I had no idea my clothes weighed a little over 4lbs. That makes a big difference!

Anyway, so my goal this week is a very simple one. Stick to core foods. No hot wings and NO WHEAT PRODUCTS. I have been doing it to myself again. I admit it: I have no willpower when I’m depressed and sometimes giving in feels good. I’m sure that the concept of hurting myself feeling good deserves more introspection but for now, I’m content with just admitting it. I think for me, I don’t really believe, deep down, that wheat is a problem. I mean, you think I would, the symptoms I complain about are *all* back full force. I just hope it’s coincidence or I’ve psyched myself into it, I guess. *sigh*

Now, as TMI as this is, I’m about to start a new cycle. I don’t know how this is going to affect my weightloss/gain cycle as I’ve never tracked weekly like this before so we shall see, eh?

*Can someone please tell me why I had to add the spelling of my name to Word’s dictionary!??! HELLO, guys, this is how it’s spelled in the bible. THE BIBLE!!!!

Weighty Wednesdays post 4

So I fully expected to have another gain this week as I ate too much over the weekend (I did TRY not to eat too much fattening stuff but, well, whatever, lol). But I actually lost again! See what I mean? YO YO?

So, current weight: 204lbs
Totally loss: 4.4lbs
First Goal: 189lbs

Yeh, I feel like it’s going very slowly but it’s going! At least it’s not leaving a slimy trail…

205.6 *slump* 2lb gain AGAIN. Is this how it’s going to be, scale? Huh? Is it!?!?!? BoING boING! Just call me Yo-Yo girl!

So, why? Well it’s the same problem. I’m a LOUSY tracker. So this week I’m making a commitment. I will write down every single thing I eat, even if I don’t immediately know or count the points and I will MAKE time at the end of the day to add them up, no matter what. I could always do it before I go to bed. Grrr.

I also just had an epiphany. I do not have time to look up what I eat every time I’m hungry or every time I randomly decide “Hey, that looks tasty!”. So I think I will take some time to plan out what I’m going to eat *every day*. It won’t be perfect but at least then I am SURE not to go over points this way! I mean, I make general meal-plans every week anyway as that’s how I grocery shop these days. But I mean, what I’m having for breakfast, snack, lunch, munch and dinner every day. Oh and I need to increase my fluid intake again. I was doing great for a while, there.

The truth is that this past week has just sucked, utterly. It’s been a very hard week and I’m feeling extremely down right now and that’s never good for any kind of “get healthy” mindset I’m in. Because, see, trying to get healthy is treating myself well. And sometimes I let myself believe that it just doesn’t matter. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it really matters to anybody else so why should it matter to me? Emo? ME? Yeh, lol, sometimes.

In other, less depressing news (ok, not really) my youngest daughter wants me to eat her. I swear, she’s practically dressing herself for the dinner plate. Argh.